Moving here was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it so much. At least in Surrey I had a job, no matter how shit it was, and I had my own place, freedom, money, my friends close by. I wasn't alone and bored and skint and jobless and spending all my time cleaning up after my whole family and being treated like a fucking slave by my sister. The only good things that have come out of the move are Levi and my treatment and I'd rather be back in Surrey with neither having not moved than here with them. It's true that you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. Things were much better than I realised. I threw so much away thinking that this move would be the making of me and that everything would be great. How wrong could I have been?
Getting a job wont make this any better. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!! I want to be back home. I want my friends. I want to be there to help Best Guy Friend through all of his stuff. I want my life back. This is a nightmare. I hate it so much here. I wish I could wake up and it be 4 months ago when this was just a pipe dream and know how shit moving would be and just not do it. Adam could go, I'd have found a new flatmate if only I knew how much I'd hate this.
Why has no-one invented a working time machine yet? One that just pops you into your body however far back you want to go in your life with memories from what you've lived so you know which mistakes not to make. I'd sell everything I own to use it and go back to before I decided to move. To not do this. To not make this mistake.
I cant tell mum how much I hate it. I don't want to upset her. I cant tell her I'm planning on moving back as soon as I can. I cant tell her how I regret ever moving and how I wish I hadn't.
I'm just stuck in hell. I don't know what to do. It makes me so much more depressed because I can't just pop over to Yummy Mummys or go down the pub with people or have Angry Short Friend over to watch Glee and listen to show tunes and drink or anything. I'm stranded in my worst nightmare.
I'm not built to live without my friends near me. They're my whole life. I live for them, to have them there for me and to be there for them. They're my family. I love them and I miss them and I don't know what to do or how to live without them right there. I'm 5 fucking hours away from them all! Closer to Best Girl Friend but even that's like, 3 hours! I just can't live like this. I need people, friends, contact, hugs, dancing, girlie nights in, knowing that if it all gets bad I have people just round the corner, no more than an hour away. This is killing me and I'm so unhappy it's unreal.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a catch 22. With no job and no money I cant move, but if I get a job then I'm tied down to this place.
I hate all of this. Why did I have to react like I did to me and Ex Boyfriend breaking up and run away? I'm so stupid. So, so, so stupid.