Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Monday, 23 August 2010

Mad Girl's Love Song - Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Saturday, 21 August 2010

The Sick Equation - Brian Patten

In school I learned that one and one made two,
It could have been engraved in stone,
An absolute I could not question or refute.
But at home, sweet home, that sum was open to dispute -
In that raw cocoon of parental hate is where
I learned that one and one stayed one and one.
What's more, because all that household's anger and its pain
Stung more than any teacher's cane
I came to believe how it was best
That one remained one,
For by becoming two, one at least would suffer so.

Believing this I threw away so many gifts -
I never let love stay long enough to take root,
But by thinking myself of too little worth
I crushed all its messengers.

I grew - or did not grow -
And kept my head down low,
And drifted with the crowd,
One among the many whose dreams of flight
Weighed down the soul,
And kept it down,
Because to the flightless
The dream of flight's an anguish.
I stayed apart, stayed one,
Claiming separateness was out of choice,
And at every wedding ceremony I saw
The shadow of that albatross - divorce -
Fall over groom and bride,
And I took small comfort in believing that, to some degree
They too still harboured dreams of flying free.

I was wrong of course,
Just as those who brought me up were wrong.
It's absurd to believe all others are as damaged as ourselves,
And however late on, I am better off for knowing now
That given love, by taking love all can in time refute
The lesson that our parents taught,
And in their sick equation not stay caught.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Jilted - Sylvia Plath

My thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.

Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.

While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.

The Starfish - Ka Hôkû Kai.

Once upon a time, there was a wise elder who went to the sea to contemplate. One day, while walking along the shore, the elder looked down the beach and saw a gracefully dancing human figure.

The elder wondered out loud; "Who would so joyfully greet this day with hula?" and began to walk faster to catch up.

Getting closer the elder saw that the dancer was a child, who was not dancing at all. The child was reaching down to the sand to pick up something and was very gently throwing it into the sea.

The elder called out to the child; "Aloha! What are you doing?"

The child paused, looked up and replied; "Throwing starfish into the sea."

Surprised, the elder sputtered; "I...I guess I should have asked, WHY are you throwing starfish into the sea?"

The child smiled brightly, pointed upward and, with exquisite simplicity, replied; "The sun is up, the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."

"But, don't you realize, " asked the elder, "that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"

The child listened politely then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it gently into the sea, just beyond the breaking waves then exuberantly declared; "It made a difference for that one."

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Eeep!

Four days until I'm back in Surrey. Woohoo! My cousins wedding on Saturday too which is AWESOME! I have to ring the Job centre tomorrow AGAIN about my claim. Lameo!

I cant wait to see Best Guy Friend and be wrapped up in his arms even if it's just for a Just Friends hug, because that's better than no hugs at all. He's gunna come back to Yummy Mummys with me and I'm hoping to watch T3 and drink vodka and coke and chill out, just the three of us. Maybe movie cuddles? A girl can hope.

I'm so excited.

Hm.

I really want a pair of denim shorts... Don't ask why because I don't like my legs, but I feel the need to own and wear denim shorts. This is strange.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Looks like I've been stalked again. So there. Whichever of you two it is that's following my blog moves and then shitting bricks about what I write here, it's gone. Please move on with your lives and leave me alone.

*Ahem* Random Picture Time...

Hehehe...

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Sunday, 15 August 2010

Hey Science!

First, Pluto loses it's status as a planet, then recently the Triceratops loses it's status as a dinosaur. WHAT NEXT SCIENCE!?! What else are you going to humiliate!? What else of my beloved childhood learnings are you going to discredit!?

Well I for one will always consider Pluto a planet and the Triceratops as a real dinosaur that existed. Fuck you science!!!

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Poor Firefly...

Hey you! Yeah, you! What do you think you're playing at!?! Get your damn Star Trek out of my Firefly!

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I will not tolerate this madness!

Friday, 13 August 2010

FYI...

Nothing will make you feel better about the guy you like being with someone else than this song...



I fucking LOVE it. Heh.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

My Adventures in Having Dates...

So I've never been on a real date before. I'm serious. I'm 24 and I've not been on a date.

One of my exes said he'd take me out to the cinema, his treat, cos I was sad and poor... Then he came to meet me and we went in and when it came to buy the tickets he bitched at me for 20 minutes that I had to buy my own. So I couldn't get a drink or anything cos it was the last of my money. He didn't care. It was so horrid. He'd promised his treat.

I went to the pub once half an hour before it shut for a drink with a guy. If that counts? He said it did.

He also said a takeaway in my bedroom watching a movie counted.

Do those three count? If they do then I HAVE been on a date. They've just all sucked.

I want a real date. Like going to the airshow in the day then to the pub for dinner and drinks after. Or going to see a musical then for drinks and food after. Or something. Something better than takeaway or a pint of cider. :o(

Everyone else gets dates.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Attention One and All...

I shall now unveil my new hair colour to you all...

*Drumroll*

Are you excited?

*Another Drumroll*

I bet you're excited.

*Yet More Drumroll*

TAADAA!!!

My New Hair Colour

Pretty red huh? I love it. It's plummy red goodness and I can finally, honestly say that my hair is red! Yay!

Gunna be a BITCH to maintain this colour! Hoping to get it trimmed up and stuff on Saturday with my invisible money. Lol.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

So I'm moving!

Things to do in the next ten days:

  • Confirm leaving with Mother.
  • Go through my things, sort them into 3 lots: Take with me, Store, Give away.
  • Take unwanted things to the charity shop.
  • Buy some more smart shirts for interviews and such.
  • Pack things I'll need into as little space as I can.
  • Box up all of my crap and put it neatly, labelled in the basement.
  • Try and find someone willing to drive up and pick me and my crap up and drive me back down again.
  • If that last one fails buy a train ticket and curse the amount of stuff I need to take with me. Struggle on the trains all day cursing a lack of chivalry in modern men.
  • Cry from happiness when I finally arrive at my destination, no doubt tired, dirty and hating everyone and everything.
Funny enough, breaking it to mum that I want to move back to Surrey was easy. Cos she expected it. Ah. That obvious am I? Good to know...

Sunday, 8 August 2010

It occurred to me that what I consider exercise, lots of people wouldn't. Well to anyone thinking that. Fuck you. I'm way unhealthy and anything that gets my heart pumping and a sweat starting to form is exercise. Take your biased ass somewhere else.

So what if it's only 4 exercises at 20 reps a piece? It's a start.

Soon I'll be JOGGING! Jam that in your pipe and smoke it.

My calorie intake is hella low. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just only eat when I'm hungry and I tend to fill up on tea in lieu of actually eating food. Which is bad. But works for me. 

Boo

We got a new dog a couple of days ago... Just went out with Chloe to take her for a walk. 45 minutes, not bad. Gunna go out with her and Chloe in the evening and take her out in the day. I figure an hour and a half to two hours of walking the dog a day should help towards the weight loss goal.

Yay.

Heh.

I've always found vagueness gets the truth better than out and out asking a question. Sometimes more truth than you expect. Because when you're vague, and just imply that you know something, people shit themselves and come clean. Most times. It's not always the best way, but in my experience it works about 90% of the time. Best yet when you know the truth. Out and out asking means someone knows exactly what to lie about. Being vague doesn't. They have to work out what you know and what you don't. They trip themselves up.

The truth will out. I'm normally very good at finding out what I need to know. One way or another.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

FB Statuses I Plan on Having.

Sarah may present a choking hazard to small children.


Sarah may contain nuts.


Sarah is suitable for vegetarians.


Sarah should be stored out of direct sunlight.


Sarah is gluten free.


Sarah may contain small bones.


Sarah may cause drowsiness.


Sarah should not be taken with alcohol.


Sarah may have sharp edges.


Sarah cannot be held responsible for loss or theft of personal items.


Sarah cares not for your fuckery.

Heh. How cool am I!?!
I really need to lose some weight. This is getting stupid. I keep starting and not following through on exercising. I want to be thinner. Not massively, just a bit around my middle and thighs. Hm. No-one to blame but myself that it hasn't happened.

Soooo I'm going to try again. And write it on here. My weekly weigh in and stuff. So my starting weight is *Drum roll* 13 Stone/ 182 Pounds. Ouch. I'm not that tall, about 5'4" so that's kinda heavy.

Any tips?

*Update* I've decided to add my waist, hip and thigh measurements, because that's more of the loss I want to see. So.

Waist: 36 Inches
Hips: 45 Inches
Thighs: 44 Inches

Fuck.

A Few Cats and Various Lolz...

To make up for the distinct lack of amusing cats at the end of my more emotional, whine filled posts (Sorry guys. I totally forgot to put them there!) I'm hereby making this post a Lol filled post of random pictures. Some cats. Some not cats. Just, whatevs, ya know? ENJOY!

First, A Lolcat!
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Now, an Average Cat!
Cat in Ceiling

Some Comixed!
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Cyanide and Happiness!
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The Big Bang Theory!
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I'm done for now!

Friday, 6 August 2010

Do You Know Your SHARP Rating?

To anyone who rides a motorbike, go here and have a quick looksee at the SHARP rating for your helmet, or the one you're looking at buying. Not all makes and models are up, but there's over 100 on there and I think you'll be shocked and a bit surprised to see how some of the more expencive, "Great" helmets test.

The reason I mention this is because there are helmets on sale that basically do NOTHING in impact except stop your head from actually exploding across the pavement, your brain still gets plenty shaken and fuck knows the damage that would do.

I decided I wanted a Shoei Multitec helmet, because it's nice looking and a flip front (Handy for those with glasses like myself) so I decided to check the ratings. Now at £370, I want it all singing, all dancing, cradling my head on impact like a host of angels and generally being fucking excellent. It scored three stars. Three. For £90, I can get a Carburg Trip, which scored 5 stars and is the first flip from to do so, and one of the only helmets I've looked at so far (Flip front or otherwise) to get Very Good as it's impact rating at all points, and 90% of impacts where the faceguard remained fully locked. Hmmmm... Which one seems better to you? By the way... Very Good is the highest rating for impact.

The Carburg may not have all the fancy removable bits and flashy doodads, but I don't give a toss. I'd spend a grand on a helmet if I knew it would keep me safe, flashy doodads or not. But why spend more than you have to on something when you can find a better product for less money?

The Carburg has some great reviews, some 50-50 customer reviews and a few people have complained about it not being very water tight, so I'm looking at other options, although I may get this one regardless. The new Carburg, Konda, hasn't been rated yet, but it's reviews are fantastic. I hope they do rate it, and soon, because of the two, just from reviews I'd pick the Konda.

Anyway. I hate the thought that there's so much variation in the helmets on sale, even different models by the same manufacturer. I think it should be a five star, all very good rating or you cant sell it. That way less people who don't think to look will buy a one or two star helmet and end up dead. Young, new riders especially go out with a budget and they want something that looks good, and that isn't always the safest helmet on sale... Although I guess the Trip proved that wrong.

Research is important. I'm a pain in the ass having to know everything all the time but sometimes it's a good thing. Like this.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Randomness More.

I need to be up kind of early tomorrow. I have the jobseekers people ringing between 9AM and 1PM... Thanks for the vague guys! That's so I can find out why I've not been paid yet. Cos I'm fucking poor and have bills to pay.

Cancelled my credit card today. Woohoo! Now I have £3500 in debt on a card in my dads name, so my bills are actually paying him. I should have cancelled that card about 4 years ago and I'd be debt free, but NO! And the worst thing? That £3500 only took me 6 months to get. If I'm good at nothing else I'm good at spending money.

Tomorrow I'm going to start looking for jobs in Surrey. I know I've not heard back from the interview yet but I want to know what my options are.

Loose Women competition closes tomorrow and they announce the winner by the 8th. I know it wont be me because that's not my luck but a girl can hope and £15000 would come in real handy. I already know how I'll spend it! Lol.

Busy busy... Gotta keep busy. Try and distract myself and convince myself everything will work out in the end.

:'o(

Don't mind me while I sit here and cry. This isn't a very good day for me at all.

No Matter How Many Times I Click My Heels Together I'm Still Stuck In This Hellhole.

Moving here was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it so much. At least in Surrey I had a job, no matter how shit it was, and I had my own place, freedom, money, my friends close by. I wasn't alone and bored and skint and jobless and spending all my time cleaning up after my whole family and being treated like a fucking slave by my sister. The only good things that have come out of the move are Levi and my treatment and I'd rather be back in Surrey with neither having not moved than here with them. It's true that you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. Things were much better than I realised. I threw so much away thinking that this move would be the making of me and that everything would be great. How wrong could I have been?

Getting a job wont make this any better. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!! I want to be back home. I want my friends. I want to be there to help Best Guy Friend through all of his stuff. I want my life back. This is a nightmare. I hate it so much here. I wish I could wake up and it be 4 months ago when this was just a pipe dream and know how shit moving would be and just not do it. Adam could go, I'd have found a new flatmate if only I knew how much I'd hate this.

Why has no-one invented a working time machine yet? One that just pops you into your body however far back you want to go in your life with memories from what you've lived so you know which mistakes not to make. I'd sell everything I own to use it and go back to before I decided to move. To not do this. To not make this mistake.

I cant tell mum how much I hate it. I don't want to upset her. I cant tell her I'm planning on moving back as soon as I can. I cant tell her how I regret ever moving and how I wish I hadn't.

I'm just stuck in hell. I don't know what to do. It makes me so much more depressed because I can't just pop over to Yummy Mummys or go down the pub with people or have Angry Short Friend over to watch Glee and listen to show tunes and drink or anything. I'm stranded in my worst nightmare.

I'm not built to live without my friends near me. They're my whole life. I live for them, to have them there for me and to be there for them. They're my family. I love them and I miss them and I don't know what to do or how to live without them right there. I'm 5 fucking hours away from them all! Closer to Best Girl Friend but even that's like, 3 hours! I just can't live like this. I need people, friends, contact, hugs, dancing, girlie nights in, knowing that if it all gets bad I have people just round the corner, no more than an hour away. This is killing me and I'm so unhappy it's unreal.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a catch 22. With no job and no money I cant move, but if I get a job then I'm tied down to this place.

I hate all of this. Why did I have to react like I did to me and Ex Boyfriend breaking up and run away? I'm so stupid. So, so, so stupid.

Help? :'o(

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Tattoos.

I love tattoos. Black and white ones, coloured ones, bit ones, small ones. Almost all of them. Almost.

I hate Chinese characters. How do you know for sure that it says Hope and not Chicken Satay? Also, could you BE any more of a cliché?

I hate tribal. I think it's boring and same-y and everyone seems to get it. I saw something once that said "Tribal, for people who can't think of any decent tattoo ideas." which I think just about covers it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore, and it used to. It's so watered down. Any 'hard guy' seems to have tribal on them somewhere. Blurgh! Cliché!

I also hate nautical themed stuff. Anchors, sailor girls, swallows... Anything that back in the day sailors got, but has now become fashionable. Much like Ed Hardey. It's all retro chic and it bugs me. I especially hate swallows. I don't know why. Yummy Mummy has two and I really don't like them. Another cliché I think.

Your typical "100% Made In Britain!!" tattoos with bulldogs in English flag neck scarves or big Flags or knights with, surprise, a big flag. I get that you love your country, but PLEASE! It's like having a toy with Made in Japan printed on it. Do you really, honestly want that? Do you think most people give a shit? No! We don't. It's horrible and in my opinion a... CLICHÉ! God I love that word.

Tramp stamps. Sometimes they manage to combine this AND tribal into a double whammy of shit I hate. Throw in the words MADE IN ENGLAND and a random Chinese character and congrats! In one tat you've REALLY annoyed me! Don't know what a tramp stamp is? I don't mean a slag tag, or hickey, I mean those lame lower back tats that are normally a heart or butterfly or flower entwined in random tribal or curls. They all look the same. Seriously. Ugh! Cliché!

For that matter, I also hate dolphins, roses, butterflys and kisses, especially tattooed on the hip. Everyone has them! Tinkerbelle pisses me off. As do bands of stars and band names. Also the name of a wife/ lover. Cos a tattoo is permanent. Relationships aren't. I know there's more but I cant remember.

Think about this. Tattoos should be personal to you, they should mean something. Don't get ink for the sake of it. When you're 60 you'll probably regret the carebear smoking pot you have tattooed on your hip, because it's ridiculous and doesn't MEAN anything other than in your youth you liked getting high and making REALLY bad decisions! (Linked? Maybe. Depends if you were high when you got it done...) Don't blindly go into a tattooist and pick something out of the books. Every tattooist has those! So you will be one in thousands, if not MILLIONS of people with exactly the same tattoo! One that probably means nothing to you except it's "pretty" or makes you look "hard"! Take your time. Design something meaningful that you wont regret, pick a good tattooist, not just the first one you come across because a bad tattoo is for life, just as much as a good one, and worse than being one in millions with the same ink is being one who has a REALLY BAD version of what millions of people have.

My ink and planned ink may not be to everyones taste, but mine means something to me, it sums me up I think, and most of what I have planned are original designs, so unless someone outright copies my ink, I'll be the only one that has it. Or someone has the EXACT same ideas as me. They do say nothing is ever original, someone somewhere has had the same thoughts as you. But dammit at least I try!

Make wise ink choices people. Don't be a cliché!

Monday, 2 August 2010

Abortion.

Abortion. The great divider. Pro choice vs. Pro life. Both have their beliefs, their values, and their ideals. But two very different ways of dealing with the debate. Such a sensitive topic. Even the word "Abortion" can bring people to great emotional reactions. I know some people who can’t even hear the word.

I'm pro choice, although I doubt I'll ever be able to have an abortion. Not because I believe God will punish me, or because I feel I'm murdering a child, or because of the negative reactions doing so may garner me. Because I fear doing so would mean I would lose out on my only chance to have a child. Who knows what the future holds. I may only ever get pregnant once.

I believe that some people and their situation don’t lend them to a life of parenthood. Through some twist, be it faulty birth control, rape, they find themselves pregnant and unable to deal with the responsibility of having a child. Or maybe an illness means that following an accidental pregnancy to its close will cause the mother serious illness, or even death. And please don’t think I’m exaggerating there. I know someone whose girlfriend found she was pregnant; elated she went for tests to find that keeping the baby could kill her.

Of course there is the option of giving your baby up for adoption. How many of you would be able to carry a baby to term, give birth to it, and then give it up without serious distress? Giving up a baby could have serious issues for young women, women in already high stressed situations, women already on the edge. I admit, it’s a more palatable option. The baby lives, and goes to a loving family that so wants a child. But what of the mother and the emotional fallout for her?

I’m by no means saying that abortions are free of stresses and emotional turmoil. It is, believe me, I know people who have gone through the wringer because of aborting an unplanned pregnancy. But the option to not go through nine months of bonding with a child you won’t keep, surely that is better? What makes the emotional pain of abortion so bad, often isn’t getting rid of a child, but the fallout from the people close to them. The judgment, the guilt laid on them, the persecution, the hate. The judgment of strangers.

Now don’t for a second think that I stand behind people who use abortions as a form of birth control. They abuse a system designed for those in need, and give a bad name to women in dire straights, all because they don’t feel like being safe and using protection. Why should so many women, who through no fault of their own end up pregnant, be treated with distain because of a few who think it’s OK to leave their bodies open to infection and pregnancy instead of taking proper precautions? Why should a rape victim be treated the same as a women who has had 4 abortions in a year instead of using a condom?

While I believe that every person is within their rights to believe what they will about this debate, I know many people both side of the abortion fence, I don’t believe they should force their opinions on women who are already upset enough about going through with an abortion by picketing clinics, hurling abuse, wielding signs that depict Gods wrath or pictures of aborted fetuses. It’s unfair, and as most protesters are Christian, shows a distinct lack of grace that Christians are meant to be filled with.

How do you think a woman who has been told that she has to have an abortion or risk her own life would feel seeing a picture like this:
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Or this:
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Or this:
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Why should women be forced to push their way through throngs of screaming people hurling hate at them, get kicked, slapped, have their hair pulled, just to exercise their freedom of choice? To do what they think is right? To make the only choice they feel their situation allows them?

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the views of pro lifers. I do. I understand that every life is a gift. I understand that you feel that by aborting a fetus a woman is throwing away one of Gods creations. I understand where pro lifers stand, and if I hadn’t seen first hand how sometimes abortion is the only viable option, I would probably agree. But I don’t. And I think that maybe more tact is needed. That people shouldn’t be treated as criminals and murderers for doing the best they can.

Some States and countries have abortions as illegal. Something I cannot abide. I think that everyone should have the option to do as they see fit with their body. Making abortions illegal only serves to push women into dangerous “back ally” abortionists that risk their lives. Unfortunately I can hear the cries of “Good! They get what they deserve!” from some pro lifers and that upsets me.

I’m not tarring all pro lifers with the same brush. I know many who are wonderful people who don’t abuse or picket people that make the big choice they don’t agree with. My friend Jon is one of them. But there are so many people out there whose viciousness knows no bounds. Clinic workers have been attacked, doctors killed, clinics vandalized. None of which is necessary. None of which is Christian. All of which shows such a lack of good will and grace that it makes me want to cry out for the world and the place it’s in.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day.

Some more acoustic awesome for you. Sad song, but I love it. I love lots of music. Because I'm COOL! Lol. Or something.



*Sigh* This song has been me so many times over I can't even count. Giving up on love always seems like the wise option when heartbroken, doesn't it? But it's harder than you think when it comes down to it. Boo.