Monday 13 December 2010
Saturday 20 November 2010
BOOTS!
Basically have to move out soooooooooooooooo I'm looking at house shares and shit. Which is awesome. Obviously.
Onto more fun shit. Boots. I've been on the Next website and have fallen in love with a shit load of stuff that I cant afford. But lovely things none the less. :oD
Pretty right!? *Le sigh* I would like them very much please...
Onto more fun shit. Boots. I've been on the Next website and have fallen in love with a shit load of stuff that I cant afford. But lovely things none the less. :oD
Pretty right!? *Le sigh* I would like them very much please...
Sunday 31 October 2010
I keep forgetting that I can be whoever or whatever I want to be. I can wear whatever I want to wear. I don't have to settle on just one thing. If I want to wear skinny jeans, an oversized jumper and boots one day I can, and if the next day I want to wear baggy jeans and tank tops with my TOMS I can, and if the next day I want to wear a floral dress I can. Because there are no rules regarding what I can and cant wear. Nothing to tell me that I HAVE to be just one way. I like so many different kinds of clothes, why cant I wear them all whenever I feel like it? The only thing stopping me is me, really.
So I'm back. I've deleted a bunch of posts. Specific ones. Gunna try and get this place back to a less angsty zone.
I'm medicated, I've got an appointment coming up at some point to start my councilling, just waiting for it, getting my joint problems looked into, my heart weirdness too. It's all getting done. Currently on heavy duty sleeping pills to sort out my sleeping pattern.
Got a job, and now the oppertunity for another one. Still working on my story. Want to start my own business. Lots going on.
Learning to drive still... It's a slow process for me. Still planning on doing my direct access. Saving a flat deposit. Planning on taking a holiday next year.
Lots of things to do... But as always it comes down to money. The bain of my existance.
So I'm back. I've deleted a bunch of posts. Specific ones. Gunna try and get this place back to a less angsty zone.
I'm medicated, I've got an appointment coming up at some point to start my councilling, just waiting for it, getting my joint problems looked into, my heart weirdness too. It's all getting done. Currently on heavy duty sleeping pills to sort out my sleeping pattern.
Got a job, and now the oppertunity for another one. Still working on my story. Want to start my own business. Lots going on.
Learning to drive still... It's a slow process for me. Still planning on doing my direct access. Saving a flat deposit. Planning on taking a holiday next year.
Lots of things to do... But as always it comes down to money. The bain of my existance.
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Monday 6 September 2010
So I Have a Slight Obsession...
... With cowboy boots. I'm not sure why. I found some I like on Western Wear.
Slouch Boot at £85
Fashion Boot at £100
Loblan Cowboy Boot at £130
Justin Boot £145
Slouch Boot at £85
Fashion Boot at £100
Loblan Cowboy Boot at £130
Justin Boot £145
Bike Gear I Want...
... But currently can't afford to buy.
A pair of Minx Draggin' Jeans at £129.99 with which I'll also have to get Knee and Shin Armour at £12.99 and Hip Armour at £14.99. Which gives these a total of £157.97.
A Spada Classic Cruiser Jacket at £110.
A pair of Spidi Eve Gloves at £44.99.
A Pair of Falco Biker Boots at £94.99.
And a helmet I've yet to choose... Indecisive about my brain protection.
So far that's about £407.95... Whoa. Lots of money. Still... You can't really put a price on safety and I'd rather shell out a bunch of money and be safe than spend less and get seriously hurt.
A pair of Minx Draggin' Jeans at £129.99 with which I'll also have to get Knee and Shin Armour at £12.99 and Hip Armour at £14.99. Which gives these a total of £157.97.
A Spada Classic Cruiser Jacket at £110.
A pair of Spidi Eve Gloves at £44.99.
A Pair of Falco Biker Boots at £94.99.
And a helmet I've yet to choose... Indecisive about my brain protection.
So far that's about £407.95... Whoa. Lots of money. Still... You can't really put a price on safety and I'd rather shell out a bunch of money and be safe than spend less and get seriously hurt.
Thursday 2 September 2010
Wednesday 1 September 2010
I like solitaire, I like the alternation of black and red. I try to do it so there's the same two suits per row... Column (is that spelt right?), like hearts and clubs for two rows and spades and diamonds for the other two but that's REALLY hard. I also hve to have the aces alternating colour. It's a bit OCD I know but that's just how I roll.
I talk to myself. Sometimes as if I'm having a conversation with someone else, in a sort of fantasy role play thing, sometimes litterally just to myself, always outloud. I'm doing it while watching Mock the Week. Imagine your nan, old, chattering away to herself about the program she's watching, or talking herself through the process of making a cupcup tea, you know you know what I mean. "I'll just have a nice cup of tea. Shall I have sugar? Yes I think I will. Oh that's nice. Then I'll watch The Saturday Kitchen. I do like that. It's a very good program. The young presenter seems like such a nice man..." and so on and so forth. That's me. Sometimes I do it around other people. It's a tricky thing to explain.
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Thursday 26 August 2010
Tuesday 24 August 2010
Monday 23 August 2010
Mad Girl's Love Song - Sylvia Plath
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
Saturday 21 August 2010
The Sick Equation - Brian Patten
In school I learned that one and one made two,
It could have been engraved in stone,
An absolute I could not question or refute.
But at home, sweet home, that sum was open to dispute -
In that raw cocoon of parental hate is where
I learned that one and one stayed one and one.
What's more, because all that household's anger and its pain
Stung more than any teacher's cane
I came to believe how it was best
That one remained one,
For by becoming two, one at least would suffer so.
Believing this I threw away so many gifts -
I never let love stay long enough to take root,
But by thinking myself of too little worth
I crushed all its messengers.
I grew - or did not grow -
And kept my head down low,
And drifted with the crowd,
One among the many whose dreams of flight
Weighed down the soul,
And kept it down,
Because to the flightless
The dream of flight's an anguish.
I stayed apart, stayed one,
Claiming separateness was out of choice,
And at every wedding ceremony I saw
The shadow of that albatross - divorce -
Fall over groom and bride,
And I took small comfort in believing that, to some degree
They too still harboured dreams of flying free.
I was wrong of course,
Just as those who brought me up were wrong.
It's absurd to believe all others are as damaged as ourselves,
And however late on, I am better off for knowing now
That given love, by taking love all can in time refute
The lesson that our parents taught,
And in their sick equation not stay caught.
It could have been engraved in stone,
An absolute I could not question or refute.
But at home, sweet home, that sum was open to dispute -
In that raw cocoon of parental hate is where
I learned that one and one stayed one and one.
What's more, because all that household's anger and its pain
Stung more than any teacher's cane
I came to believe how it was best
That one remained one,
For by becoming two, one at least would suffer so.
Believing this I threw away so many gifts -
I never let love stay long enough to take root,
But by thinking myself of too little worth
I crushed all its messengers.
I grew - or did not grow -
And kept my head down low,
And drifted with the crowd,
One among the many whose dreams of flight
Weighed down the soul,
And kept it down,
Because to the flightless
The dream of flight's an anguish.
I stayed apart, stayed one,
Claiming separateness was out of choice,
And at every wedding ceremony I saw
The shadow of that albatross - divorce -
Fall over groom and bride,
And I took small comfort in believing that, to some degree
They too still harboured dreams of flying free.
I was wrong of course,
Just as those who brought me up were wrong.
It's absurd to believe all others are as damaged as ourselves,
And however late on, I am better off for knowing now
That given love, by taking love all can in time refute
The lesson that our parents taught,
And in their sick equation not stay caught.
Friday 20 August 2010
Thursday 19 August 2010
Jilted - Sylvia Plath
My thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.
Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.
While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.
Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.
While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.
The Starfish - Ka Hôkû Kai.
Once upon a time, there was a wise elder who went to the sea to contemplate. One day, while walking along the shore, the elder looked down the beach and saw a gracefully dancing human figure.
The elder wondered out loud; "Who would so joyfully greet this day with hula?" and began to walk faster to catch up.
Getting closer the elder saw that the dancer was a child, who was not dancing at all. The child was reaching down to the sand to pick up something and was very gently throwing it into the sea.
The elder called out to the child; "Aloha! What are you doing?"
The child paused, looked up and replied; "Throwing starfish into the sea."
Surprised, the elder sputtered; "I...I guess I should have asked, WHY are you throwing starfish into the sea?"
The child smiled brightly, pointed upward and, with exquisite simplicity, replied; "The sun is up, the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."
"But, don't you realize, " asked the elder, "that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"
The child listened politely then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it gently into the sea, just beyond the breaking waves then exuberantly declared; "It made a difference for that one."
The elder wondered out loud; "Who would so joyfully greet this day with hula?" and began to walk faster to catch up.
Getting closer the elder saw that the dancer was a child, who was not dancing at all. The child was reaching down to the sand to pick up something and was very gently throwing it into the sea.
The elder called out to the child; "Aloha! What are you doing?"
The child paused, looked up and replied; "Throwing starfish into the sea."
Surprised, the elder sputtered; "I...I guess I should have asked, WHY are you throwing starfish into the sea?"
The child smiled brightly, pointed upward and, with exquisite simplicity, replied; "The sun is up, the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."
"But, don't you realize, " asked the elder, "that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"
The child listened politely then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it gently into the sea, just beyond the breaking waves then exuberantly declared; "It made a difference for that one."
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Eeep!
Four days until I'm back in Surrey. Woohoo! My cousins wedding on Saturday too which is AWESOME! I have to ring the Job centre tomorrow AGAIN about my claim. Lameo!
I cant wait to see Best Guy Friend and be wrapped up in his arms even if it's just for a Just Friends hug, because that's better than no hugs at all. He's gunna come back to Yummy Mummys with me and I'm hoping to watch T3 and drink vodka and coke and chill out, just the three of us. Maybe movie cuddles? A girl can hope.
I'm so excited.
I cant wait to see Best Guy Friend and be wrapped up in his arms even if it's just for a Just Friends hug, because that's better than no hugs at all. He's gunna come back to Yummy Mummys with me and I'm hoping to watch T3 and drink vodka and coke and chill out, just the three of us. Maybe movie cuddles? A girl can hope.
I'm so excited.
Hm.
I really want a pair of denim shorts... Don't ask why because I don't like my legs, but I feel the need to own and wear denim shorts. This is strange.
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Sunday 15 August 2010
Hey Science!
First, Pluto loses it's status as a planet, then recently the Triceratops loses it's status as a dinosaur. WHAT NEXT SCIENCE!?! What else are you going to humiliate!? What else of my beloved childhood learnings are you going to discredit!?
Well I for one will always consider Pluto a planet and the Triceratops as a real dinosaur that existed. Fuck you science!!!
Well I for one will always consider Pluto a planet and the Triceratops as a real dinosaur that existed. Fuck you science!!!
Saturday 14 August 2010
Poor Firefly...
Hey you! Yeah, you! What do you think you're playing at!?! Get your damn Star Trek out of my Firefly!
I will not tolerate this madness!
I will not tolerate this madness!
Friday 13 August 2010
FYI...
Nothing will make you feel better about the guy you like being with someone else than this song...
I fucking LOVE it. Heh.
I fucking LOVE it. Heh.
Thursday 12 August 2010
My Adventures in Having Dates...
So I've never been on a real date before. I'm serious. I'm 24 and I've not been on a date.
One of my exes said he'd take me out to the cinema, his treat, cos I was sad and poor... Then he came to meet me and we went in and when it came to buy the tickets he bitched at me for 20 minutes that I had to buy my own. So I couldn't get a drink or anything cos it was the last of my money. He didn't care. It was so horrid. He'd promised his treat.
I went to the pub once half an hour before it shut for a drink with a guy. If that counts? He said it did.
He also said a takeaway in my bedroom watching a movie counted.
Do those three count? If they do then I HAVE been on a date. They've just all sucked.
I want a real date. Like going to the airshow in the day then to the pub for dinner and drinks after. Or going to see a musical then for drinks and food after. Or something. Something better than takeaway or a pint of cider. :o(
Everyone else gets dates.
One of my exes said he'd take me out to the cinema, his treat, cos I was sad and poor... Then he came to meet me and we went in and when it came to buy the tickets he bitched at me for 20 minutes that I had to buy my own. So I couldn't get a drink or anything cos it was the last of my money. He didn't care. It was so horrid. He'd promised his treat.
I went to the pub once half an hour before it shut for a drink with a guy. If that counts? He said it did.
He also said a takeaway in my bedroom watching a movie counted.
Do those three count? If they do then I HAVE been on a date. They've just all sucked.
I want a real date. Like going to the airshow in the day then to the pub for dinner and drinks after. Or going to see a musical then for drinks and food after. Or something. Something better than takeaway or a pint of cider. :o(
Everyone else gets dates.
Wednesday 11 August 2010
Attention One and All...
I shall now unveil my new hair colour to you all...
*Drumroll*
Are you excited?
*Another Drumroll*
I bet you're excited.
*Yet More Drumroll*
TAADAA!!!
Pretty red huh? I love it. It's plummy red goodness and I can finally, honestly say that my hair is red! Yay!
Gunna be a BITCH to maintain this colour! Hoping to get it trimmed up and stuff on Saturday with my invisible money. Lol.
*Drumroll*
Are you excited?
*Another Drumroll*
I bet you're excited.
*Yet More Drumroll*
TAADAA!!!
Pretty red huh? I love it. It's plummy red goodness and I can finally, honestly say that my hair is red! Yay!
Gunna be a BITCH to maintain this colour! Hoping to get it trimmed up and stuff on Saturday with my invisible money. Lol.
Tuesday 10 August 2010
So I'm moving!
Things to do in the next ten days:
- Confirm leaving with Mother.
- Go through my things, sort them into 3 lots: Take with me, Store, Give away.
- Take unwanted things to the charity shop.
- Buy some more smart shirts for interviews and such.
- Pack things I'll need into as little space as I can.
- Box up all of my crap and put it neatly, labelled in the basement.
- Try and find someone willing to drive up and pick me and my crap up and drive me back down again.
- If that last one fails buy a train ticket and curse the amount of stuff I need to take with me. Struggle on the trains all day cursing a lack of chivalry in modern men.
- Cry from happiness when I finally arrive at my destination, no doubt tired, dirty and hating everyone and everything.
Sunday 8 August 2010
It occurred to me that what I consider exercise, lots of people wouldn't. Well to anyone thinking that. Fuck you. I'm way unhealthy and anything that gets my heart pumping and a sweat starting to form is exercise. Take your biased ass somewhere else.
So what if it's only 4 exercises at 20 reps a piece? It's a start.
Soon I'll be JOGGING! Jam that in your pipe and smoke it.
My calorie intake is hella low. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just only eat when I'm hungry and I tend to fill up on tea in lieu of actually eating food. Which is bad. But works for me.
So what if it's only 4 exercises at 20 reps a piece? It's a start.
Soon I'll be JOGGING! Jam that in your pipe and smoke it.
My calorie intake is hella low. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just only eat when I'm hungry and I tend to fill up on tea in lieu of actually eating food. Which is bad. But works for me.
Boo
We got a new dog a couple of days ago... Just went out with Chloe to take her for a walk. 45 minutes, not bad. Gunna go out with her and Chloe in the evening and take her out in the day. I figure an hour and a half to two hours of walking the dog a day should help towards the weight loss goal.
Yay.
Yay.
Heh.
I've always found vagueness gets the truth better than out and out asking a question. Sometimes more truth than you expect. Because when you're vague, and just imply that you know something, people shit themselves and come clean. Most times. It's not always the best way, but in my experience it works about 90% of the time. Best yet when you know the truth. Out and out asking means someone knows exactly what to lie about. Being vague doesn't. They have to work out what you know and what you don't. They trip themselves up.
The truth will out. I'm normally very good at finding out what I need to know. One way or another.
The truth will out. I'm normally very good at finding out what I need to know. One way or another.
Saturday 7 August 2010
FB Statuses I Plan on Having.
Sarah may present a choking hazard to small children.
Sarah may contain nuts.
Sarah is suitable for vegetarians.
Sarah should be stored out of direct sunlight.
Sarah is gluten free.
Sarah may contain small bones.
Sarah may cause drowsiness.
Sarah should not be taken with alcohol.
Sarah may have sharp edges.
Sarah cannot be held responsible for loss or theft of personal items.
Sarah cares not for your fuckery.
Heh. How cool am I!?!
Sarah may contain nuts.
Sarah is suitable for vegetarians.
Sarah should be stored out of direct sunlight.
Sarah is gluten free.
Sarah may contain small bones.
Sarah may cause drowsiness.
Sarah should not be taken with alcohol.
Sarah may have sharp edges.
Sarah cannot be held responsible for loss or theft of personal items.
Sarah cares not for your fuckery.
Heh. How cool am I!?!
I really need to lose some weight. This is getting stupid. I keep starting and not following through on exercising. I want to be thinner. Not massively, just a bit around my middle and thighs. Hm. No-one to blame but myself that it hasn't happened.
Soooo I'm going to try again. And write it on here. My weekly weigh in and stuff. So my starting weight is *Drum roll* 13 Stone/ 182 Pounds. Ouch. I'm not that tall, about 5'4" so that's kinda heavy.
Any tips?
*Update* I've decided to add my waist, hip and thigh measurements, because that's more of the loss I want to see. So.
Waist: 36 Inches
Hips: 45 Inches
Thighs: 44 Inches
Fuck.
Soooo I'm going to try again. And write it on here. My weekly weigh in and stuff. So my starting weight is *Drum roll* 13 Stone/ 182 Pounds. Ouch. I'm not that tall, about 5'4" so that's kinda heavy.
Any tips?
*Update* I've decided to add my waist, hip and thigh measurements, because that's more of the loss I want to see. So.
Waist: 36 Inches
Hips: 45 Inches
Thighs: 44 Inches
Fuck.
A Few Cats and Various Lolz...
To make up for the distinct lack of amusing cats at the end of my more emotional, whine filled posts (Sorry guys. I totally forgot to put them there!) I'm hereby making this post a Lol filled post of random pictures. Some cats. Some not cats. Just, whatevs, ya know? ENJOY!
First, A Lolcat!
Now, an Average Cat!
Some Comixed!
Cyanide and Happiness!
The Big Bang Theory!
I'm done for now!
First, A Lolcat!
Now, an Average Cat!
Some Comixed!
Cyanide and Happiness!
The Big Bang Theory!
I'm done for now!
Friday 6 August 2010
Do You Know Your SHARP Rating?
To anyone who rides a motorbike, go here and have a quick looksee at the SHARP rating for your helmet, or the one you're looking at buying. Not all makes and models are up, but there's over 100 on there and I think you'll be shocked and a bit surprised to see how some of the more expencive, "Great" helmets test.
The reason I mention this is because there are helmets on sale that basically do NOTHING in impact except stop your head from actually exploding across the pavement, your brain still gets plenty shaken and fuck knows the damage that would do.
I decided I wanted a Shoei Multitec helmet, because it's nice looking and a flip front (Handy for those with glasses like myself) so I decided to check the ratings. Now at £370, I want it all singing, all dancing, cradling my head on impact like a host of angels and generally being fucking excellent. It scored three stars. Three. For £90, I can get a Carburg Trip, which scored 5 stars and is the first flip from to do so, and one of the only helmets I've looked at so far (Flip front or otherwise) to get Very Good as it's impact rating at all points, and 90% of impacts where the faceguard remained fully locked. Hmmmm... Which one seems better to you? By the way... Very Good is the highest rating for impact.
The Carburg may not have all the fancy removable bits and flashy doodads, but I don't give a toss. I'd spend a grand on a helmet if I knew it would keep me safe, flashy doodads or not. But why spend more than you have to on something when you can find a better product for less money?
The Carburg has some great reviews, some 50-50 customer reviews and a few people have complained about it not being very water tight, so I'm looking at other options, although I may get this one regardless. The new Carburg, Konda, hasn't been rated yet, but it's reviews are fantastic. I hope they do rate it, and soon, because of the two, just from reviews I'd pick the Konda.
Anyway. I hate the thought that there's so much variation in the helmets on sale, even different models by the same manufacturer. I think it should be a five star, all very good rating or you cant sell it. That way less people who don't think to look will buy a one or two star helmet and end up dead. Young, new riders especially go out with a budget and they want something that looks good, and that isn't always the safest helmet on sale... Although I guess the Trip proved that wrong.
Research is important. I'm a pain in the ass having to know everything all the time but sometimes it's a good thing. Like this.
The reason I mention this is because there are helmets on sale that basically do NOTHING in impact except stop your head from actually exploding across the pavement, your brain still gets plenty shaken and fuck knows the damage that would do.
I decided I wanted a Shoei Multitec helmet, because it's nice looking and a flip front (Handy for those with glasses like myself) so I decided to check the ratings. Now at £370, I want it all singing, all dancing, cradling my head on impact like a host of angels and generally being fucking excellent. It scored three stars. Three. For £90, I can get a Carburg Trip, which scored 5 stars and is the first flip from to do so, and one of the only helmets I've looked at so far (Flip front or otherwise) to get Very Good as it's impact rating at all points, and 90% of impacts where the faceguard remained fully locked. Hmmmm... Which one seems better to you? By the way... Very Good is the highest rating for impact.
The Carburg may not have all the fancy removable bits and flashy doodads, but I don't give a toss. I'd spend a grand on a helmet if I knew it would keep me safe, flashy doodads or not. But why spend more than you have to on something when you can find a better product for less money?
The Carburg has some great reviews, some 50-50 customer reviews and a few people have complained about it not being very water tight, so I'm looking at other options, although I may get this one regardless. The new Carburg, Konda, hasn't been rated yet, but it's reviews are fantastic. I hope they do rate it, and soon, because of the two, just from reviews I'd pick the Konda.
Anyway. I hate the thought that there's so much variation in the helmets on sale, even different models by the same manufacturer. I think it should be a five star, all very good rating or you cant sell it. That way less people who don't think to look will buy a one or two star helmet and end up dead. Young, new riders especially go out with a budget and they want something that looks good, and that isn't always the safest helmet on sale... Although I guess the Trip proved that wrong.
Research is important. I'm a pain in the ass having to know everything all the time but sometimes it's a good thing. Like this.
Thursday 5 August 2010
Randomness More.
I need to be up kind of early tomorrow. I have the jobseekers people ringing between 9AM and 1PM... Thanks for the vague guys! That's so I can find out why I've not been paid yet. Cos I'm fucking poor and have bills to pay.
Cancelled my credit card today. Woohoo! Now I have £3500 in debt on a card in my dads name, so my bills are actually paying him. I should have cancelled that card about 4 years ago and I'd be debt free, but NO! And the worst thing? That £3500 only took me 6 months to get. If I'm good at nothing else I'm good at spending money.
Tomorrow I'm going to start looking for jobs in Surrey. I know I've not heard back from the interview yet but I want to know what my options are.
Loose Women competition closes tomorrow and they announce the winner by the 8th. I know it wont be me because that's not my luck but a girl can hope and £15000 would come in real handy. I already know how I'll spend it! Lol.
Busy busy... Gotta keep busy. Try and distract myself and convince myself everything will work out in the end.
Cancelled my credit card today. Woohoo! Now I have £3500 in debt on a card in my dads name, so my bills are actually paying him. I should have cancelled that card about 4 years ago and I'd be debt free, but NO! And the worst thing? That £3500 only took me 6 months to get. If I'm good at nothing else I'm good at spending money.
Tomorrow I'm going to start looking for jobs in Surrey. I know I've not heard back from the interview yet but I want to know what my options are.
Loose Women competition closes tomorrow and they announce the winner by the 8th. I know it wont be me because that's not my luck but a girl can hope and £15000 would come in real handy. I already know how I'll spend it! Lol.
Busy busy... Gotta keep busy. Try and distract myself and convince myself everything will work out in the end.
No Matter How Many Times I Click My Heels Together I'm Still Stuck In This Hellhole.
Moving here was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it so much. At least in Surrey I had a job, no matter how shit it was, and I had my own place, freedom, money, my friends close by. I wasn't alone and bored and skint and jobless and spending all my time cleaning up after my whole family and being treated like a fucking slave by my sister. The only good things that have come out of the move are Levi and my treatment and I'd rather be back in Surrey with neither having not moved than here with them. It's true that you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. Things were much better than I realised. I threw so much away thinking that this move would be the making of me and that everything would be great. How wrong could I have been?
Getting a job wont make this any better. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!! I want to be back home. I want my friends. I want to be there to help Best Guy Friend through all of his stuff. I want my life back. This is a nightmare. I hate it so much here. I wish I could wake up and it be 4 months ago when this was just a pipe dream and know how shit moving would be and just not do it. Adam could go, I'd have found a new flatmate if only I knew how much I'd hate this.
Why has no-one invented a working time machine yet? One that just pops you into your body however far back you want to go in your life with memories from what you've lived so you know which mistakes not to make. I'd sell everything I own to use it and go back to before I decided to move. To not do this. To not make this mistake.
I cant tell mum how much I hate it. I don't want to upset her. I cant tell her I'm planning on moving back as soon as I can. I cant tell her how I regret ever moving and how I wish I hadn't.
I'm just stuck in hell. I don't know what to do. It makes me so much more depressed because I can't just pop over to Yummy Mummys or go down the pub with people or have Angry Short Friend over to watch Glee and listen to show tunes and drink or anything. I'm stranded in my worst nightmare.
I'm not built to live without my friends near me. They're my whole life. I live for them, to have them there for me and to be there for them. They're my family. I love them and I miss them and I don't know what to do or how to live without them right there. I'm 5 fucking hours away from them all! Closer to Best Girl Friend but even that's like, 3 hours! I just can't live like this. I need people, friends, contact, hugs, dancing, girlie nights in, knowing that if it all gets bad I have people just round the corner, no more than an hour away. This is killing me and I'm so unhappy it's unreal.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a catch 22. With no job and no money I cant move, but if I get a job then I'm tied down to this place.
I hate all of this. Why did I have to react like I did to me and Ex Boyfriend breaking up and run away? I'm so stupid. So, so, so stupid.
Help? :'o(
Getting a job wont make this any better. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!! I want to be back home. I want my friends. I want to be there to help Best Guy Friend through all of his stuff. I want my life back. This is a nightmare. I hate it so much here. I wish I could wake up and it be 4 months ago when this was just a pipe dream and know how shit moving would be and just not do it. Adam could go, I'd have found a new flatmate if only I knew how much I'd hate this.
Why has no-one invented a working time machine yet? One that just pops you into your body however far back you want to go in your life with memories from what you've lived so you know which mistakes not to make. I'd sell everything I own to use it and go back to before I decided to move. To not do this. To not make this mistake.
I cant tell mum how much I hate it. I don't want to upset her. I cant tell her I'm planning on moving back as soon as I can. I cant tell her how I regret ever moving and how I wish I hadn't.
I'm just stuck in hell. I don't know what to do. It makes me so much more depressed because I can't just pop over to Yummy Mummys or go down the pub with people or have Angry Short Friend over to watch Glee and listen to show tunes and drink or anything. I'm stranded in my worst nightmare.
I'm not built to live without my friends near me. They're my whole life. I live for them, to have them there for me and to be there for them. They're my family. I love them and I miss them and I don't know what to do or how to live without them right there. I'm 5 fucking hours away from them all! Closer to Best Girl Friend but even that's like, 3 hours! I just can't live like this. I need people, friends, contact, hugs, dancing, girlie nights in, knowing that if it all gets bad I have people just round the corner, no more than an hour away. This is killing me and I'm so unhappy it's unreal.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a catch 22. With no job and no money I cant move, but if I get a job then I'm tied down to this place.
I hate all of this. Why did I have to react like I did to me and Ex Boyfriend breaking up and run away? I'm so stupid. So, so, so stupid.
Help? :'o(
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Tattoos.
I love tattoos. Black and white ones, coloured ones, bit ones, small ones. Almost all of them. Almost.
I hate Chinese characters. How do you know for sure that it says Hope and not Chicken Satay? Also, could you BE any more of a cliché?
I hate tribal. I think it's boring and same-y and everyone seems to get it. I saw something once that said "Tribal, for people who can't think of any decent tattoo ideas." which I think just about covers it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore, and it used to. It's so watered down. Any 'hard guy' seems to have tribal on them somewhere. Blurgh! Cliché!
I also hate nautical themed stuff. Anchors, sailor girls, swallows... Anything that back in the day sailors got, but has now become fashionable. Much like Ed Hardey. It's all retro chic and it bugs me. I especially hate swallows. I don't know why. Yummy Mummy has two and I really don't like them. Another cliché I think.
Your typical "100% Made In Britain!!" tattoos with bulldogs in English flag neck scarves or big Flags or knights with, surprise, a big flag. I get that you love your country, but PLEASE! It's like having a toy with Made in Japan printed on it. Do you really, honestly want that? Do you think most people give a shit? No! We don't. It's horrible and in my opinion a... CLICHÉ! God I love that word.
Tramp stamps. Sometimes they manage to combine this AND tribal into a double whammy of shit I hate. Throw in the words MADE IN ENGLAND and a random Chinese character and congrats! In one tat you've REALLY annoyed me! Don't know what a tramp stamp is? I don't mean a slag tag, or hickey, I mean those lame lower back tats that are normally a heart or butterfly or flower entwined in random tribal or curls. They all look the same. Seriously. Ugh! Cliché!
For that matter, I also hate dolphins, roses, butterflys and kisses, especially tattooed on the hip. Everyone has them! Tinkerbelle pisses me off. As do bands of stars and band names. Also the name of a wife/ lover. Cos a tattoo is permanent. Relationships aren't. I know there's more but I cant remember.
Think about this. Tattoos should be personal to you, they should mean something. Don't get ink for the sake of it. When you're 60 you'll probably regret the carebear smoking pot you have tattooed on your hip, because it's ridiculous and doesn't MEAN anything other than in your youth you liked getting high and making REALLY bad decisions! (Linked? Maybe. Depends if you were high when you got it done...) Don't blindly go into a tattooist and pick something out of the books. Every tattooist has those! So you will be one in thousands, if not MILLIONS of people with exactly the same tattoo! One that probably means nothing to you except it's "pretty" or makes you look "hard"! Take your time. Design something meaningful that you wont regret, pick a good tattooist, not just the first one you come across because a bad tattoo is for life, just as much as a good one, and worse than being one in millions with the same ink is being one who has a REALLY BAD version of what millions of people have.
My ink and planned ink may not be to everyones taste, but mine means something to me, it sums me up I think, and most of what I have planned are original designs, so unless someone outright copies my ink, I'll be the only one that has it. Or someone has the EXACT same ideas as me. They do say nothing is ever original, someone somewhere has had the same thoughts as you. But dammit at least I try!
Make wise ink choices people. Don't be a cliché!
I hate Chinese characters. How do you know for sure that it says Hope and not Chicken Satay? Also, could you BE any more of a cliché?
I hate tribal. I think it's boring and same-y and everyone seems to get it. I saw something once that said "Tribal, for people who can't think of any decent tattoo ideas." which I think just about covers it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore, and it used to. It's so watered down. Any 'hard guy' seems to have tribal on them somewhere. Blurgh! Cliché!
I also hate nautical themed stuff. Anchors, sailor girls, swallows... Anything that back in the day sailors got, but has now become fashionable. Much like Ed Hardey. It's all retro chic and it bugs me. I especially hate swallows. I don't know why. Yummy Mummy has two and I really don't like them. Another cliché I think.
Your typical "100% Made In Britain!!" tattoos with bulldogs in English flag neck scarves or big Flags or knights with, surprise, a big flag. I get that you love your country, but PLEASE! It's like having a toy with Made in Japan printed on it. Do you really, honestly want that? Do you think most people give a shit? No! We don't. It's horrible and in my opinion a... CLICHÉ! God I love that word.
Tramp stamps. Sometimes they manage to combine this AND tribal into a double whammy of shit I hate. Throw in the words MADE IN ENGLAND and a random Chinese character and congrats! In one tat you've REALLY annoyed me! Don't know what a tramp stamp is? I don't mean a slag tag, or hickey, I mean those lame lower back tats that are normally a heart or butterfly or flower entwined in random tribal or curls. They all look the same. Seriously. Ugh! Cliché!
For that matter, I also hate dolphins, roses, butterflys and kisses, especially tattooed on the hip. Everyone has them! Tinkerbelle pisses me off. As do bands of stars and band names. Also the name of a wife/ lover. Cos a tattoo is permanent. Relationships aren't. I know there's more but I cant remember.
Think about this. Tattoos should be personal to you, they should mean something. Don't get ink for the sake of it. When you're 60 you'll probably regret the carebear smoking pot you have tattooed on your hip, because it's ridiculous and doesn't MEAN anything other than in your youth you liked getting high and making REALLY bad decisions! (Linked? Maybe. Depends if you were high when you got it done...) Don't blindly go into a tattooist and pick something out of the books. Every tattooist has those! So you will be one in thousands, if not MILLIONS of people with exactly the same tattoo! One that probably means nothing to you except it's "pretty" or makes you look "hard"! Take your time. Design something meaningful that you wont regret, pick a good tattooist, not just the first one you come across because a bad tattoo is for life, just as much as a good one, and worse than being one in millions with the same ink is being one who has a REALLY BAD version of what millions of people have.
My ink and planned ink may not be to everyones taste, but mine means something to me, it sums me up I think, and most of what I have planned are original designs, so unless someone outright copies my ink, I'll be the only one that has it. Or someone has the EXACT same ideas as me. They do say nothing is ever original, someone somewhere has had the same thoughts as you. But dammit at least I try!
Make wise ink choices people. Don't be a cliché!
Monday 2 August 2010
Abortion.
Abortion. The great divider. Pro choice vs. Pro life. Both have their beliefs, their values, and their ideals. But two very different ways of dealing with the debate. Such a sensitive topic. Even the word "Abortion" can bring people to great emotional reactions. I know some people who can’t even hear the word.
I'm pro choice, although I doubt I'll ever be able to have an abortion. Not because I believe God will punish me, or because I feel I'm murdering a child, or because of the negative reactions doing so may garner me. Because I fear doing so would mean I would lose out on my only chance to have a child. Who knows what the future holds. I may only ever get pregnant once.
I believe that some people and their situation don’t lend them to a life of parenthood. Through some twist, be it faulty birth control, rape, they find themselves pregnant and unable to deal with the responsibility of having a child. Or maybe an illness means that following an accidental pregnancy to its close will cause the mother serious illness, or even death. And please don’t think I’m exaggerating there. I know someone whose girlfriend found she was pregnant; elated she went for tests to find that keeping the baby could kill her.
Of course there is the option of giving your baby up for adoption. How many of you would be able to carry a baby to term, give birth to it, and then give it up without serious distress? Giving up a baby could have serious issues for young women, women in already high stressed situations, women already on the edge. I admit, it’s a more palatable option. The baby lives, and goes to a loving family that so wants a child. But what of the mother and the emotional fallout for her?
I’m by no means saying that abortions are free of stresses and emotional turmoil. It is, believe me, I know people who have gone through the wringer because of aborting an unplanned pregnancy. But the option to not go through nine months of bonding with a child you won’t keep, surely that is better? What makes the emotional pain of abortion so bad, often isn’t getting rid of a child, but the fallout from the people close to them. The judgment, the guilt laid on them, the persecution, the hate. The judgment of strangers.
Now don’t for a second think that I stand behind people who use abortions as a form of birth control. They abuse a system designed for those in need, and give a bad name to women in dire straights, all because they don’t feel like being safe and using protection. Why should so many women, who through no fault of their own end up pregnant, be treated with distain because of a few who think it’s OK to leave their bodies open to infection and pregnancy instead of taking proper precautions? Why should a rape victim be treated the same as a women who has had 4 abortions in a year instead of using a condom?
While I believe that every person is within their rights to believe what they will about this debate, I know many people both side of the abortion fence, I don’t believe they should force their opinions on women who are already upset enough about going through with an abortion by picketing clinics, hurling abuse, wielding signs that depict Gods wrath or pictures of aborted fetuses. It’s unfair, and as most protesters are Christian, shows a distinct lack of grace that Christians are meant to be filled with.
How do you think a woman who has been told that she has to have an abortion or risk her own life would feel seeing a picture like this:
Or this:
Or this:
Why should women be forced to push their way through throngs of screaming people hurling hate at them, get kicked, slapped, have their hair pulled, just to exercise their freedom of choice? To do what they think is right? To make the only choice they feel their situation allows them?
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the views of pro lifers. I do. I understand that every life is a gift. I understand that you feel that by aborting a fetus a woman is throwing away one of Gods creations. I understand where pro lifers stand, and if I hadn’t seen first hand how sometimes abortion is the only viable option, I would probably agree. But I don’t. And I think that maybe more tact is needed. That people shouldn’t be treated as criminals and murderers for doing the best they can.
Some States and countries have abortions as illegal. Something I cannot abide. I think that everyone should have the option to do as they see fit with their body. Making abortions illegal only serves to push women into dangerous “back ally” abortionists that risk their lives. Unfortunately I can hear the cries of “Good! They get what they deserve!” from some pro lifers and that upsets me.
I’m not tarring all pro lifers with the same brush. I know many who are wonderful people who don’t abuse or picket people that make the big choice they don’t agree with. My friend Jon is one of them. But there are so many people out there whose viciousness knows no bounds. Clinic workers have been attacked, doctors killed, clinics vandalized. None of which is necessary. None of which is Christian. All of which shows such a lack of good will and grace that it makes me want to cry out for the world and the place it’s in.
I'm pro choice, although I doubt I'll ever be able to have an abortion. Not because I believe God will punish me, or because I feel I'm murdering a child, or because of the negative reactions doing so may garner me. Because I fear doing so would mean I would lose out on my only chance to have a child. Who knows what the future holds. I may only ever get pregnant once.
I believe that some people and their situation don’t lend them to a life of parenthood. Through some twist, be it faulty birth control, rape, they find themselves pregnant and unable to deal with the responsibility of having a child. Or maybe an illness means that following an accidental pregnancy to its close will cause the mother serious illness, or even death. And please don’t think I’m exaggerating there. I know someone whose girlfriend found she was pregnant; elated she went for tests to find that keeping the baby could kill her.
Of course there is the option of giving your baby up for adoption. How many of you would be able to carry a baby to term, give birth to it, and then give it up without serious distress? Giving up a baby could have serious issues for young women, women in already high stressed situations, women already on the edge. I admit, it’s a more palatable option. The baby lives, and goes to a loving family that so wants a child. But what of the mother and the emotional fallout for her?
I’m by no means saying that abortions are free of stresses and emotional turmoil. It is, believe me, I know people who have gone through the wringer because of aborting an unplanned pregnancy. But the option to not go through nine months of bonding with a child you won’t keep, surely that is better? What makes the emotional pain of abortion so bad, often isn’t getting rid of a child, but the fallout from the people close to them. The judgment, the guilt laid on them, the persecution, the hate. The judgment of strangers.
Now don’t for a second think that I stand behind people who use abortions as a form of birth control. They abuse a system designed for those in need, and give a bad name to women in dire straights, all because they don’t feel like being safe and using protection. Why should so many women, who through no fault of their own end up pregnant, be treated with distain because of a few who think it’s OK to leave their bodies open to infection and pregnancy instead of taking proper precautions? Why should a rape victim be treated the same as a women who has had 4 abortions in a year instead of using a condom?
While I believe that every person is within their rights to believe what they will about this debate, I know many people both side of the abortion fence, I don’t believe they should force their opinions on women who are already upset enough about going through with an abortion by picketing clinics, hurling abuse, wielding signs that depict Gods wrath or pictures of aborted fetuses. It’s unfair, and as most protesters are Christian, shows a distinct lack of grace that Christians are meant to be filled with.
How do you think a woman who has been told that she has to have an abortion or risk her own life would feel seeing a picture like this:
Or this:
Or this:
Why should women be forced to push their way through throngs of screaming people hurling hate at them, get kicked, slapped, have their hair pulled, just to exercise their freedom of choice? To do what they think is right? To make the only choice they feel their situation allows them?
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the views of pro lifers. I do. I understand that every life is a gift. I understand that you feel that by aborting a fetus a woman is throwing away one of Gods creations. I understand where pro lifers stand, and if I hadn’t seen first hand how sometimes abortion is the only viable option, I would probably agree. But I don’t. And I think that maybe more tact is needed. That people shouldn’t be treated as criminals and murderers for doing the best they can.
Some States and countries have abortions as illegal. Something I cannot abide. I think that everyone should have the option to do as they see fit with their body. Making abortions illegal only serves to push women into dangerous “back ally” abortionists that risk their lives. Unfortunately I can hear the cries of “Good! They get what they deserve!” from some pro lifers and that upsets me.
I’m not tarring all pro lifers with the same brush. I know many who are wonderful people who don’t abuse or picket people that make the big choice they don’t agree with. My friend Jon is one of them. But there are so many people out there whose viciousness knows no bounds. Clinic workers have been attacked, doctors killed, clinics vandalized. None of which is necessary. None of which is Christian. All of which shows such a lack of good will and grace that it makes me want to cry out for the world and the place it’s in.
Sunday 1 August 2010
Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day.
Some more acoustic awesome for you. Sad song, but I love it. I love lots of music. Because I'm COOL! Lol. Or something.
*Sigh* This song has been me so many times over I can't even count. Giving up on love always seems like the wise option when heartbroken, doesn't it? But it's harder than you think when it comes down to it. Boo.
*Sigh* This song has been me so many times over I can't even count. Giving up on love always seems like the wise option when heartbroken, doesn't it? But it's harder than you think when it comes down to it. Boo.
Friday 30 July 2010
Max Ehrmann - Desiderata
A poem I think everyone should not only read, but print out and stick on their fridge. It's beautiful.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
O HAI!!!
Who wants some more good news from Sarahtopia!? I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW ON MONDAY!!!! YAY!!! I'm so nervous! But I hope I get it. A nice Monday - Friday, 9am - 5.30pm. Just what I've been looking for!
I still plan on moving back to Surrey, that hasn't changed at all, but having an income will make that more likely.
YES!
Also, started my meds today. Wootwoot.
Dad's here. Boo.
I still plan on moving back to Surrey, that hasn't changed at all, but having an income will make that more likely.
YES!
Also, started my meds today. Wootwoot.
Dad's here. Boo.
Thursday 29 July 2010
GP Recap.
So, had my GP appointment. My sister came with me to get her arm looked at cos she hurt it. Anyway, my appointment was on time, I went in to see the doctor, she listened while I explained about the depression, the paranoia, how I second guess everything, the suicidal thoughts, the want to self harm, the rages, my trouble sleeping. She asked questions. Then she told me that although depression was part of the problem it wasn't the sole issue, and she thought I have some kind of psychosis.
She asked me if I felt OK with waiting for a counsellor, or if I thought I was at immediate risk of doing something stupid (Not quite those words but you get what I mean), she also said I should tell either mum, Chloe or Adam about my thoughts of self harm and suicide so they can watch me. I'm not telling mum because whenever I mention feeling depressed she acts like I have no idea and I'm exaggerating, and the last time I told her I felt suicidal (Years ago, back at college) she went off on one and kept laying on the guilt. She told me at one point, when I was in bed crying, that I might as well do it and get it over and done with so she didn't have to keep worrying she was going to wake up and find me dead. So no. Not telling her. Adams barely here and Chloe... I don't think she'd give a crap.
So I have a prescription for anti-psychotics that I have to get filled tomorrow. I would have them now but the first prescription was no longer being manufactured and I had to go back to the GP (and wait half an hour) to get an alternative. I'm on Heloperidol for now, seeing how it goes, and I have to check in, in two weeks to see if their working. She said I'd feel light headed and out of sorts for a few days but that's normal.
In a few weeks I should get my counsellor appointment. So it's looking up.
I hope these pills work and the counselling helps and I can be happier and calmer and less rage-y and more stable and stuff. Just better. Now so wildly swinging from one mood to another with paranoia thrown in for good measure.
She asked me if I felt OK with waiting for a counsellor, or if I thought I was at immediate risk of doing something stupid (Not quite those words but you get what I mean), she also said I should tell either mum, Chloe or Adam about my thoughts of self harm and suicide so they can watch me. I'm not telling mum because whenever I mention feeling depressed she acts like I have no idea and I'm exaggerating, and the last time I told her I felt suicidal (Years ago, back at college) she went off on one and kept laying on the guilt. She told me at one point, when I was in bed crying, that I might as well do it and get it over and done with so she didn't have to keep worrying she was going to wake up and find me dead. So no. Not telling her. Adams barely here and Chloe... I don't think she'd give a crap.
So I have a prescription for anti-psychotics that I have to get filled tomorrow. I would have them now but the first prescription was no longer being manufactured and I had to go back to the GP (and wait half an hour) to get an alternative. I'm on Heloperidol for now, seeing how it goes, and I have to check in, in two weeks to see if their working. She said I'd feel light headed and out of sorts for a few days but that's normal.
In a few weeks I should get my counsellor appointment. So it's looking up.
I hope these pills work and the counselling helps and I can be happier and calmer and less rage-y and more stable and stuff. Just better. Now so wildly swinging from one mood to another with paranoia thrown in for good measure.
Religion is...
I believe that the only way to accept the differences in people is to understand them. Not to judge people outright on their actions, but to understand how those actions came to pass. My constant need for information, explanation, understanding and reasons may annoy or bore people. But it's through those things that I can become accepting of others.
I am not Christian. I consider myself Pagan, I follow nature and a vast array of Gods from many cultures to make a religion that fits for me, that makes sense to me. Some people don't understand it, or like it, but it's mine and they don't have to. But I'd like them to respect it.
I endlessly read as much as I can on other religions and belief systems so that I can understand why people believe what they do, understand their actions and reactions. I think that through knowledge and acceptance of our differences, we can all live together better, treat each other better. It shocks people that I read the bible and other Christian texts, that I read about voodoo (Not the Hollywood idea of voodoo) and Islam and Judaism. Cults fascinate me. I like to get into the heart of things and pick them apart so that I can understand how everything works.
A big debate happened on my friend Jons FB because of religion. A friend of ours posted a status being derogatory about a Christian handing out leaflets, so Jon (A Christian) wrote a similar status, but substituting Christian for ginger, as our friend is ginger, to point out how ridiculous it is. Thus began one of the most frustrating conversations about religion I have even been in. I will post it under a cut. Jon is in bold and our other friend Aaron is in italics, my parts are in regular type. What do you think of it all? *Warning!* It's LONG. And the beginning is missing because someone else was involved and she deleted her posts so it didn't make sense at all.
I am not Christian. I consider myself Pagan, I follow nature and a vast array of Gods from many cultures to make a religion that fits for me, that makes sense to me. Some people don't understand it, or like it, but it's mine and they don't have to. But I'd like them to respect it.
I endlessly read as much as I can on other religions and belief systems so that I can understand why people believe what they do, understand their actions and reactions. I think that through knowledge and acceptance of our differences, we can all live together better, treat each other better. It shocks people that I read the bible and other Christian texts, that I read about voodoo (Not the Hollywood idea of voodoo) and Islam and Judaism. Cults fascinate me. I like to get into the heart of things and pick them apart so that I can understand how everything works.
A big debate happened on my friend Jons FB because of religion. A friend of ours posted a status being derogatory about a Christian handing out leaflets, so Jon (A Christian) wrote a similar status, but substituting Christian for ginger, as our friend is ginger, to point out how ridiculous it is. Thus began one of the most frustrating conversations about religion I have even been in. I will post it under a cut. Jon is in bold and our other friend Aaron is in italics, my parts are in regular type. What do you think of it all? *Warning!* It's LONG. And the beginning is missing because someone else was involved and she deleted her posts so it didn't make sense at all.
Odd...
I've had this blog, in one of it's homes, for a while now and yet no Hanson based posts. I must remedy that!
Thinkin' Bout Somethin'... The First single from their new album Shout It Out. Oh yeah.
Ignore the video, it's some crazy Dream Twilight Cast fanvid. But the song's great! Breaktown. Unreleased I believe. *Loves*
Live cover of the Radiohead song Optimistic. I much prefer this version than the original to be fair.
Isaac Hanson doing what he does best... Singing the pants off of the ladies. I love his voice, I LOVE him singing this song. Live cover of the Bill Withers song Ain't No Sunshine. *Melts*
Another unreleased track, Never Let Go. I used to sing this to my friends son when he got grumpy and wouldn't stop crying. I love it.
That's the last one for this post! I fucking LOVE Hanson! Don't hate! They're win, srsly!
Thinkin' Bout Somethin'... The First single from their new album Shout It Out. Oh yeah.
Ignore the video, it's some crazy Dream Twilight Cast fanvid. But the song's great! Breaktown. Unreleased I believe. *Loves*
Live cover of the Radiohead song Optimistic. I much prefer this version than the original to be fair.
Isaac Hanson doing what he does best... Singing the pants off of the ladies. I love his voice, I LOVE him singing this song. Live cover of the Bill Withers song Ain't No Sunshine. *Melts*
Another unreleased track, Never Let Go. I used to sing this to my friends son when he got grumpy and wouldn't stop crying. I love it.
That's the last one for this post! I fucking LOVE Hanson! Don't hate! They're win, srsly!
Hey Photobucket! Grow Up!
So it looks like two of my T-Shirt Hell tees violated photobuckets terms of use. One said "I fucking love to cuddle" and the other said "Yes my tshirt says fuck on it. It also says cunt, twat and machine washable."... The one thing those two shirts have in common? The word fuck. Of course, there are 2 OTHER shirts that say fuck on them... Way to go photobucket. There's also one that says shit, two that say bitch, a few that might be seen as anti Christian and few that either condone or picture cartoon violence if you want to remove those aswell.
Dumbasses.
I think that's quite petty. It's not porn. It's not hurting anyone. It's the words fuck, cunt and twat. Frankly, that's not that bad. I'm pretty sure there are worse things on there. Do people really get so mortally offended by a few curse words? I hope so, it's why I want the shirts. Lol!
No more Ebay sales just yet. I hope I didn't peak at five. That would be super lame.
Dumbasses.
I think that's quite petty. It's not porn. It's not hurting anyone. It's the words fuck, cunt and twat. Frankly, that's not that bad. I'm pretty sure there are worse things on there. Do people really get so mortally offended by a few curse words? I hope so, it's why I want the shirts. Lol!
No more Ebay sales just yet. I hope I didn't peak at five. That would be super lame.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
OK... Need a Plan.
So, to make money I have put some stuff on Ebay. Then I'll put more up as and when. Pretty much everything. The money from this is going towards my Moving Back Home Fund. I have also entered a competition to win £15000, which I doubt I'll win but hey, why not try?
To explain my Moving Back Home Fund, it isn't just covering the actual move, but also paying off my debts, so the more I make the better for me! So far I'm in about £3500 debt. Roughly. Which sucks.
So I need a plan to make money, get a job and move, and find a place to live.
I want to be back home, at the very latest, by Christmas. Preferably sooner. The sooner the better.
Anyone got any ideas? I need a lot of money very fast. I'm trying to think of anything I can do that will make money but I cant. Lame.
To explain my Moving Back Home Fund, it isn't just covering the actual move, but also paying off my debts, so the more I make the better for me! So far I'm in about £3500 debt. Roughly. Which sucks.
So I need a plan to make money, get a job and move, and find a place to live.
I want to be back home, at the very latest, by Christmas. Preferably sooner. The sooner the better.
Anyone got any ideas? I need a lot of money very fast. I'm trying to think of anything I can do that will make money but I cant. Lame.
Boo.
I feel a bit poorly sick today. Gah. Maybe it's this crazy muggy heat we've got going on. So lame. I'm a spring/ Autumn person, me and heat don't get on and the cold pisses me off. I like that nice warmth with a breeze thing that HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. Although in winters defence snow is awesome. Summer, I have nothing nice to say about you. You make me ill and uncomfortable and burn which makes me more ill. I don't like it. Cut that shit out.
Been to town once already to buy postage stuff, off again in a while to post said stuff. Sold something else. It's all rather exciting. 5 down, 29 to go! Lmao. So far. I have so much stuff. I've decided to sell all of my DVDs. Except my absolute favourites that I watch all the time like V for Vendetta and stuff. Cos I love them too much. Meh. I'm going to do it in lots of 10 over the next few months. Heh.
Been to town once already to buy postage stuff, off again in a while to post said stuff. Sold something else. It's all rather exciting. 5 down, 29 to go! Lmao. So far. I have so much stuff. I've decided to sell all of my DVDs. Except my absolute favourites that I watch all the time like V for Vendetta and stuff. Cos I love them too much. Meh. I'm going to do it in lots of 10 over the next few months. Heh.
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Ebay Update!
Four items sold bringing me £18.52 after the damn Ebay Final Value fee! But yay! Some money! God I've missed having money!
Ebay = Maybe Money
I've just put 34 things up on Ebay and I still have a bunch more to do... But I'm leaving those until this lot is done. I hope I sell them all, the money would come in REALLY handy, I'm planning on putting it towards my Moving Back Home Fund. Clothes, Shoes, Handbags, some DVDs... All on there. Next lot is some more clothes, some books, some random crap I have floating around like unclaimed birthday presents and stuff. *Crosses fingers* I need this stuff to sell! And I've not been silly with the pricing either... Modest I think. It's tempting to sell all of my books and DVDs but I know I'd just have to buy them all again some other time so it seems silly. Although it would make moving a damn sight easier. I'm thinking about it. We'll see how this lot goes and I'll weigh the pros and cons. You never know. I could sell enough stuff to make a HUGE dent in my HUGE debt. If I got a job that would be cool two cos I'd have two lots of money coming in. Stuff I've sold and pay. But I'm not getting my hopes up cos I doubt it'll happen. At least I'm being proactive about it and trying to raise money.
Ten days and I know if this plan has worked! Lol. MONEY!!!
Ten days and I know if this plan has worked! Lol. MONEY!!!
Fear.
Fear has been a useful tool in our efforts as a people to grow and evolve. As children we have an inbuilt fear of strangers, something that has worked throughout the ages and still does. It stops us straying to far from our mothers side and into the hands of predators. Unhelpful if the predator is someone trusted but that's something else entirely.
As we grow, learn our surrounding, learn to protect ourself and make educated judgements that fear fades but doesn't disappear completely. Very few people honestly have an "Every stranger is a friend you haven't met yet!" attitude. A small measure of fear in our lives is healthy, it stops us from acting in a way that puts ourselves and our loved ones in danger, stops us taking unnecessary risks. Some of it is learned, things our parents instilled in us, some of it seems to be something passes through the genes, inexplicable. Passes maybe from generations and generation of learning, much like some animals know, when put in a new area and without interaction with natives, what foods or animals are threats to them even though they've never before encountered them.
When fear is left as a ruling factor in your life and is left to breed and control, no matter what lever you are capable of functioning at, all of you decisions are made through fear. This is a problem when fear effects the way you interact with people, the risks you wont take that most people don't even see as a risk. When fear leads it can lead you to miss out on some of lifes most precious moments.
Some people have claimed that it is fear that pushes them to achieve the things that they do. Fear of failing pushes them to win, fear if being forgotten pushes them to do the unforgettable. But not everyone is able to harness their fear and control it and use it to grow in a healthy way. Most people are controlled by their fear, they don't control it and that fear can bury them.
Fear for me makes it almost impossible to make eyecontact. It makes meeting new people a practically painful experience. It has stopped me from opening up, making the first move, taking leaps that now I know could have been great for me. Would have been if I hadn't let my fear blind me and stop me doing it.
My fear of heights mean I'll never go bungee jumping. It also means that I'm not very likely to stand at the edge of a very high mountain lest I fall off. It means you wont ever find me standing on the top of a building threatening to jump off, no matter how bad it all gets.
I'm trying not to let my fear guide me. I want to control it, learn it, grow from it, understand it.
I worry for the people that cant, or wont, get past their fear. Because their lives are darkened by it.
As we grow, learn our surrounding, learn to protect ourself and make educated judgements that fear fades but doesn't disappear completely. Very few people honestly have an "Every stranger is a friend you haven't met yet!" attitude. A small measure of fear in our lives is healthy, it stops us from acting in a way that puts ourselves and our loved ones in danger, stops us taking unnecessary risks. Some of it is learned, things our parents instilled in us, some of it seems to be something passes through the genes, inexplicable. Passes maybe from generations and generation of learning, much like some animals know, when put in a new area and without interaction with natives, what foods or animals are threats to them even though they've never before encountered them.
When fear is left as a ruling factor in your life and is left to breed and control, no matter what lever you are capable of functioning at, all of you decisions are made through fear. This is a problem when fear effects the way you interact with people, the risks you wont take that most people don't even see as a risk. When fear leads it can lead you to miss out on some of lifes most precious moments.
Some people have claimed that it is fear that pushes them to achieve the things that they do. Fear of failing pushes them to win, fear if being forgotten pushes them to do the unforgettable. But not everyone is able to harness their fear and control it and use it to grow in a healthy way. Most people are controlled by their fear, they don't control it and that fear can bury them.
Fear for me makes it almost impossible to make eyecontact. It makes meeting new people a practically painful experience. It has stopped me from opening up, making the first move, taking leaps that now I know could have been great for me. Would have been if I hadn't let my fear blind me and stop me doing it.
My fear of heights mean I'll never go bungee jumping. It also means that I'm not very likely to stand at the edge of a very high mountain lest I fall off. It means you wont ever find me standing on the top of a building threatening to jump off, no matter how bad it all gets.
I'm trying not to let my fear guide me. I want to control it, learn it, grow from it, understand it.
I worry for the people that cant, or wont, get past their fear. Because their lives are darkened by it.
Jay Brannan - Sing-A-Long Song.
Great song. Isn't he cute? Love him. Do excuse the waffle at the beginning... It's his video not mine so deal with it... Lol!
It's music at about 1.50 if you want to skip ahead.
Heh. This goes with one train of thought about everything going on atm... Just one. But it's there. Oh my mind! You are a dick mind!
It's music at about 1.50 if you want to skip ahead.
Heh. This goes with one train of thought about everything going on atm... Just one. But it's there. Oh my mind! You are a dick mind!
Update.
So I had my New Patient Registration today... Was meant to be yesterday but they had to change it due to sickness. So now I'm registered and shizzola AND I have an appointment for Thursday afternoon to talk to a GP about my depression and shit. She's a locum(?) GP so she may or may not be able to help, if not the receptionist said that they'd get me another appointment with a site specific GP instead. *Crosses fingers* I need some help now, most definitely, so I hope this appointment will be a good start for me. If I can get my head in the right place then everything will start being OK. I hope. I seem to be hoping a lot. *Shrug* That's all I have left really.
Boots!
Oh shit... I kinda want these boots quite a lot right now... Cowboy Boots of Win. That is all.
Monday 26 July 2010
Awwww!!!
Just went downstairs for a fag to find my bro and his blond lady there with the CUTEST puppy EVER sat there! He's fucking TINY and black and adorable and called Rufus and I want him! So much!*Plans the theft of a puppy*
On another note, I need £7000 fast. Anyone want to donate to the cause?
On another note, I need £7000 fast. Anyone want to donate to the cause?
T-shirt Hell
I've been perusing the interwebs looking at clothes... Which is strangely girlie behaviour for me I'll admit. Imagine my horror to discover that the Tshirt Hell shirts I want are sized so that I wear a XL. Way to knock my self esteem guys! Granted, in any other cut I'd be a Medium but still. No cool! Anyways. Thought I'd share my finds. :o) I'm pretty sure this counts as about 50% of the shirts they sell, some of which I used to own but got too fat for so I binned them, then lost the weight again. Of life, you do throw me some curve balls.
I'm putting the shirts under a cut, because this post will go ON and ON otherwise. Forever.
I'm putting the shirts under a cut, because this post will go ON and ON otherwise. Forever.
Ingrid Michaelson - Maybe.
Another awesome song of hers. *Sigh* So true.
Love her so much. Love her music. Love Love Love. Guess why I love this one so much. I'm soooooo retarded. Seriously.
Love her so much. Love her music. Love Love Love. Guess why I love this one so much. I'm soooooo retarded. Seriously.
Sunday 25 July 2010
Lame.
My sister has a date tonight. My brother is curled up on the sofa with mystery blond (Thanks for the intro) who I'm assuming he's seeing. I'm mourning my loss. And I'm the oldest. How is this fair again?
Uhhh... A Handly Woman to have Around.
I had to share this... It's pretty epic...
How do you do that because I think that's a party trick I need to learn. I'd get invited EVERYWHERE! Or... Everywhere that people were drinking beer with screwtop caps... In which case they wouldn't actually need me because their hands would work just as well. Although it looks better done by boob than hand. Sorry if I ruined the illusion by mentioning screwtop caps.
I got bitten by something and it sting like a bitch. Ouch.
And I just spilt tea on my keyboard which is pretty retarded. I wish I could say that it's the first time that's happened but it isn't... It's a far too regular occurrence. I would like to blame it whole heartedly on that video in this case though... I got distracted and forgot how the whole "holding a cup of boiling hot tea" thing worked. Boobies do that too me. So does beer. Combined I'm surprised I can even type.
How do you do that because I think that's a party trick I need to learn. I'd get invited EVERYWHERE! Or... Everywhere that people were drinking beer with screwtop caps... In which case they wouldn't actually need me because their hands would work just as well. Although it looks better done by boob than hand. Sorry if I ruined the illusion by mentioning screwtop caps.
I got bitten by something and it sting like a bitch. Ouch.
And I just spilt tea on my keyboard which is pretty retarded. I wish I could say that it's the first time that's happened but it isn't... It's a far too regular occurrence. I would like to blame it whole heartedly on that video in this case though... I got distracted and forgot how the whole "holding a cup of boiling hot tea" thing worked. Boobies do that too me. So does beer. Combined I'm surprised I can even type.
Saturday 24 July 2010
Marit Larsen - If A Song Could Get Me You
I prefer the acoustic version she did for N-Joy, the same people that the Ellie Goulding video came from, but they disabled embedding so I went for this one... Which is still really good, but I like music stripped down and raw, just the singer and a guitar. It's my favourite.
I love this song. That she's saying she loves this person so much, and she was afraid so she let them go but realised it was a mistake and now she'd do anything to have them back. A sentiment I would obviously love given my current situation, lol, but I've loved this song since I first heard it a few months ago... 3 or 4 maybe. *Loves*
Random Happy Quotes.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.” Veronica A. Shoffstall
"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual." Otavio Paz
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--only with what you are expecting to give--which is everything." Katharine Hepburn
“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience” E.E. Cummings
Yeah... I stole those off of my friends facebook.
"It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie." - Valarie - V for Vendetta.
"I speak without reservation from what I know and who I am. I do so with the understanding that all people should have the right to offer their voice to the chorus whether the result is harmony or dissonance, the worldsong is a colorless dirge without the differences that distinguish us, and it is that difference which should be celebrated not condemned. Should any part of my music offend you, please do not close your ears to it. Just take what you can use and go on." - Ani Difranco
"Swan's glide along the surface, but paddle like fury under the water." - Still Thinking of You - Adele Parks
"You have this bourgeois notion that in order for love to be real it has to be permanent. Nothing is permanent. That's just a fact. We move in and out of loving other people, but that doesn't make the love any less real." - Angela Montenegro
"Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you." - Angela Montenegro.
And those are from mine.
"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual." Otavio Paz
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--only with what you are expecting to give--which is everything." Katharine Hepburn
“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience” E.E. Cummings
Yeah... I stole those off of my friends facebook.
"It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie." - Valarie - V for Vendetta.
"I speak without reservation from what I know and who I am. I do so with the understanding that all people should have the right to offer their voice to the chorus whether the result is harmony or dissonance, the worldsong is a colorless dirge without the differences that distinguish us, and it is that difference which should be celebrated not condemned. Should any part of my music offend you, please do not close your ears to it. Just take what you can use and go on." - Ani Difranco
"Swan's glide along the surface, but paddle like fury under the water." - Still Thinking of You - Adele Parks
"You have this bourgeois notion that in order for love to be real it has to be permanent. Nothing is permanent. That's just a fact. We move in and out of loving other people, but that doesn't make the love any less real." - Angela Montenegro
"Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you." - Angela Montenegro.
And those are from mine.
Juice Issues.
I'm fussy with juice. I don't like orange juice or pineapple juice or anything that has either of those juices in them. So when mum buys 4 kinds of juice, one orange, one pineapple, one orange and pineapple and one apple, is it too much to ask that the apple one can be mine? Seeing as everyone else drinks the other manky ones. But no. One day after purchase and the apple juice is almost gone leaving only the crappy ones left. Thanks Chloe, you selfish bitch.
Depression.
Depression is a dangerous and sneaky illness. It attacks you, drags you under and when you don't think it can get worse it does. The you claw your way back out of the hole and think you're OK and you carry on, maybe a bit sadder than most, it grabs you again and pulls you further down than before.
Getting help as soon as you think you may be depressed may prevent your depression getting worse. The exact causes of depression aren’t fully known. It seems more likely to occur if there's depression in the family, but having a depressed relative doesn't mean you'll necessarily become depressed yourself. Furthermore, there are a number of lifestyle factors or influences in the world around you that may increase the risk of you developing depression.”
The only people who can truly understand depression and the damage it can do are the people that suffer, or have suffered from it. Much like a migraine. Someone who has never had a migraine cannot understand it isn't “just a headache” (something I have heard many times while in the midst of a skull splitting, gut wrenching, pain fest.), it's so much worse than that. You can't really explain it. So someone who has never suffered from depression, even those who witness someone close to them suffering, cannot understand the depths of it. It isn't just sadness. It isn't just being miserable. It isn't just someone moping and refusing to be happy and OK and just get over it. It's someone who cannot get over it. Not without help. Because they don't have the equipment to cope.
Depression is the monster lurking under your bed. Grief can spark it. Trauma. Years of abuse. Chemical imbalance in the brain. Years of negativity. Sometimes they just don't know what causes it. Whatever the reason, it is there in many, but not all. Affecting how you feel, think, see and cope. How you act and react. How you see yourself and others and how your life unfolds.
My struggle with depression has lasted 10-12 years. I have seeked help only to be treated like it was nothing serious, so I stopped asking. Every few years when things got too tough I considered trying again before remembering the feeling of not being believed. I have attempted to cope, compensate and live. I merely survived and was lucky to manage even that. Now I'm going to take the step, ask for help and somehow start my journey of recovery. I hope others will too.
If you're reading this, you know who you are. Please do it.
Depression isn't just sadness, it'd a deep, uncontrollable spiral of hate, fear, self loathing and a painful sense of despair. It's blankness, emptiness, pain, fear, all of the negative emotions balled up and in one person ready to suffocate. It's shifting, spinning, changing and awful to its core. It seeps into everything, taints everything, turns the beautiful ugly, actions of grace into viciousness, love into hate, openness into closed. It twists and warps things.
In the UK mental illness accounts for a third of all illnesses, one person in six at any given moment will suffer from some kind of anxiety or depression and one in four will experience at least one mental illness in their life. Mental health conditions cost approximately £77 billion a year in the UK alone. Suicide is the leading cause of death in young people and adults under 45. In 2007 in the UK there were over 4000 suicides, over half of which were people under 45. These totals don't just account for depression, they also count in bipolar, manic depression, ADD&ADHD, Sever OCD, PTSD, anorexia, personality disorders, schizophrenia, dementia, strokes and eating disorders. The suicide rate is a terrifying fact to know... That through depression, desperation, untreated issues that overpower and take over peoples die. That so many people suffer so deeply that they cannot go on. They cannot face a tomorrow that weighs them so far down.
Too many people don't go for treatment for their mental illness, for their depression, through fear, embarrassment or a stubborn and ill-founded belief that they will be OK. That they could cope because they had until now. Not realising the power of their illness and the things it can do. The worst is when people know that they need help and still wont seek it because they are scared of how people will view them.
From the NHS website:
“Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, it's a chronic (long-term) condition that may require long-term management or treatment. Some people only have depression once, but many people have repeated episodes.
The only people who can truly understand depression and the damage it can do are the people that suffer, or have suffered from it. Much like a migraine. Someone who has never had a migraine cannot understand it isn't “just a headache” (something I have heard many times while in the midst of a skull splitting, gut wrenching, pain fest.), it's so much worse than that. You can't really explain it. So someone who has never suffered from depression, even those who witness someone close to them suffering, cannot understand the depths of it. It isn't just sadness. It isn't just being miserable. It isn't just someone moping and refusing to be happy and OK and just get over it. It's someone who cannot get over it. Not without help. Because they don't have the equipment to cope.
Depression is the monster lurking under your bed. Grief can spark it. Trauma. Years of abuse. Chemical imbalance in the brain. Years of negativity. Sometimes they just don't know what causes it. Whatever the reason, it is there in many, but not all. Affecting how you feel, think, see and cope. How you act and react. How you see yourself and others and how your life unfolds.
My struggle with depression has lasted 10-12 years. I have seeked help only to be treated like it was nothing serious, so I stopped asking. Every few years when things got too tough I considered trying again before remembering the feeling of not being believed. I have attempted to cope, compensate and live. I merely survived and was lucky to manage even that. Now I'm going to take the step, ask for help and somehow start my journey of recovery. I hope others will too.
If you're reading this, you know who you are. Please do it.
Thursday 22 July 2010
Levels of Mood.
I gauge peoples good moods thus:
Shoooosh! It's a secret!
- Yeah's OK. Good Mood - Happy enough, but nothing to shout about.
- Hey! Lookin Good! Good Mood - The kind of good mood where you have a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye.
- Woo Hoo! Good Mood - Pretty Fucking Good!
- OMGWTFBBQ!!??!! Good Mood - One of the best good moods. That crazy hyper good mood with lots of giggles.
- I JUST GOT LAID!!! Good Mood - You don't HAVE to have gotten laid for this to be fitting, but it's that kind of good mood that is beyond belief, like how you feel when you get some for the first time in ages.
- Meh. Bad Mood - One down from the lowest good mood. Not too bad but it could be worse.
- Sad Panda! Bad Mood - Uhoh! Something's wrong!
- Oh GOD no! Bad Mood - It's not looking great right now. :o(
- FUCK OFF!! Bad Mood - The ANGRY bad mood... Back away slowly... No sudden moves!
- KILL ME NOW!!! Bad Mood - Quick! Get help! This guy is in trouble!
Shoooosh! It's a secret!
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Stuff I Don't Like.
- Normal sized tomatoes.
- Liquorish.
- The taste/ smell of herbal Nytol.
- Honey Roast Ham (BLURGH!)
- When a pen runs out if ink half way through writing something and I don't have a pen of the same colour.
- Running out of battery on ANYTHING.
- When people take ages to text back.
- Pineapple juice.
- The fact that my nose runs when I cry.
- Hayfever.
- Not understanding things. Which seems to happen a lot at the moment.
- Having no money.
- Living here.
- Feeling like shit all the time.
- Things that smell really sickly sweet. Like fake vanilla smell and fake sweety smell.
- Not being able to find something.
- Being over emotional.
- Comedies that are really embarrassing. I cant watch them. They make me cringe-y and weird.
- Forgetting the name of a song when you REALLY want to hear it.
- Being a penny short on the cost of something and not being able to buy it.
- When it's humid.
- The sound of mopeds.
- The fact that Harleys don't sound the same as they used to. (Thanks law! You ruined my favourite sound! Assholes.)
- Stubbing my toe. Especially when I stub it on my metal bedframe. OUCH!
- When people take offence to things that I don't mean offensively.
- Having LOADS of pennies but not having the time or patience to count them out and get them changed into real money.
- Running out of conditioner mid hair wash. Lame.
- When doctors don't take me seriously about serious things.
- My birthday. It sucks every year without fail.
- Getting sick. I hate getting sick. It's like... I hate the fact that I lose control when I get sick maybe. It's not fun.
- Making a cup of tea and realising I'm out of milk.
- Washing up.
- The fact that we can't take our dog for a walk. He just wont do it.
- Being lonely.
- Getting blisters.
Sarah Decides She Wants to Move Back to Surrey...
Yes. I am hating where I live. I am poor. I am away from my friends. I am very, very, very sad panda. I want to go home now please. Thank you.
BUT for me to succeed in relocating (again) I need money, and a job to move to, and a place to live, and other things my tired brain can't think about right now.
In short, I need a miracle.
I also want to learn to ride a motorbike, and to actually get a motorbike and all of the many and varied things that come WITH owning a motorbike. This, too, will cost money. Of which I have none.
I'm seeing a pattern.
Also, in the words of the Aussies, don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining.
Even The Rock cannot resist the call of the photobomb.
BUT for me to succeed in relocating (again) I need money, and a job to move to, and a place to live, and other things my tired brain can't think about right now.
In short, I need a miracle.
I also want to learn to ride a motorbike, and to actually get a motorbike and all of the many and varied things that come WITH owning a motorbike. This, too, will cost money. Of which I have none.
I'm seeing a pattern.
Also, in the words of the Aussies, don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining.
Even The Rock cannot resist the call of the photobomb.
Thursday 17 June 2010
EEEMMMOOOOOO!!!
Don't ask why, I'm just in a weird mood where I feel like ripping on Emos a tiny bit. Bad Sarah. Very Bad. *Hangs head in shame* *Giggles like a drunk bitch*
So I give you the classic Emo Song:
Love it... Makes me laugh every time I watch it.
So I give you the classic Emo Song:
Love it... Makes me laugh every time I watch it.
Saturday 12 June 2010
JLS - Beat Again... Emotional Blackmail or Romantic Declaration?
OK... So here's the thing, at my old job one of my colleges and I used to have mini arguments about the meaning of this particular song... I voted emotional blackmail and she voted romantic declaration of love. Bare in mind she thinks Edward Cullen is the ideal perfect man and that his sneaking into Bellas bedroom and watching her sleep without her knowledge or consent was romantic. Her opinion is skewed. Stalking is not romantic, it's creepy and worrying and a brilliant reason to get a restraining order.
So, for your judgement, these are the lyrics, though it pains me to post them here. What do you think?
I have highlighted the chunk I find most creepy in bold... That to me is like walking up to someone and saying "If you don't stay with me I'll die and then you'll be sorry! You'll feel sooooooooo guilty! You killed me! It's your fault!" Actually, pretty much the whole song sounds like that to me. The desperate emotional blackmail of an unsound mind. Worrying. It's not so much "I love you so much I'd die without you." as "Bitch I'ma DIE and it's YOUR FAULT!!!! I hope you feel guilty and you NEVER get over it!!!!!"... A line crossed from romantic to batshit scrazy.
So, for your judgement, these are the lyrics, though it pains me to post them here. What do you think?
Damn, the doctor's just finished telling me
There's no time, losing you could be the end of me
And that I should do the things that I wanna do
How could I without you, without you, oh
'Cause you're the only one I let in
Tell me how to stop this feeling spreading
I'm hoping somehow that you know, oh
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
Hey, hey, hey
If I died, yeah, would you come to my funeral?
Would you cry, would you feel some regret that we didn't try?
Or would you fall apart the same as I
I, I, I
Oh, and would it always haunt you, baby
That you missed your chance to save me?
'Cause you know it's not too late
Hey, hey, hey
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
That my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again it's killing me
Hey, I need you
Back in my arms, I need love CPR
'Cause it's getting so cold, oh
I need you back again or else I'll never mend
And girl, if I go, I go, I go, I go
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
That my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again
It's killing me, hey, come on
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
There's no time, losing you could be the end of me
And that I should do the things that I wanna do
How could I without you, without you, oh
'Cause you're the only one I let in
Tell me how to stop this feeling spreading
I'm hoping somehow that you know, oh
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
Hey, hey, hey
If I died, yeah, would you come to my funeral?
Would you cry, would you feel some regret that we didn't try?
Or would you fall apart the same as I
I, I, I
Oh, and would it always haunt you, baby
That you missed your chance to save me?
'Cause you know it's not too late
Hey, hey, hey
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
That my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again it's killing me
Hey, I need you
Back in my arms, I need love CPR
'Cause it's getting so cold, oh
I need you back again or else I'll never mend
And girl, if I go, I go, I go, I go
Let's just get back together, we should've never broke up
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
We should've stayed together, 'cause when you left me it stopped
They're telling me that my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again, it's killing me
That my heart won't beat again
Won't beat again
It's killing me, hey, come on
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I'm beggin' , please, don't let me go
I have highlighted the chunk I find most creepy in bold... That to me is like walking up to someone and saying "If you don't stay with me I'll die and then you'll be sorry! You'll feel sooooooooo guilty! You killed me! It's your fault!" Actually, pretty much the whole song sounds like that to me. The desperate emotional blackmail of an unsound mind. Worrying. It's not so much "I love you so much I'd die without you." as "Bitch I'ma DIE and it's YOUR FAULT!!!! I hope you feel guilty and you NEVER get over it!!!!!"... A line crossed from romantic to batshit scrazy.
Friday 11 June 2010
1 Rule for a Flat Stomach! ZOMG!!!!!
Now, I don't like to piss on anyones parade but... Oh who am I kidding, I love it. Anyway... I'm pretty sure the ONE RULE FOR A FLAT STOMACH!!!! ZOMG!!!! is actually, consume less fat/ calories than you use... Just a thought. Not whatever these links online will try and convince you. Also, a ten pound weight drop in a week is frowned upon by healthcare professionals... A healthy weightloss is about three pounds a week. But both of those things are secondary to the ads for the MIRACLE WEIGHTLOSS SECRETS ZOMG!!!! that are flaunted about. Like this one!
As a general rule of thumb if they don't show faces, you can be certain it's not the same people. Before Lady and After Lady are two different ladies! ZOMG! Also, is the one tip to give birth!? Because I'm pretty sure Before Lady is pregnant. Just my opinion I know but I think its probably a safe bet. Also, I think After Lady is a page three model. Once again, just my opinion as without faces it's a tough one to call. Even their BOOBS are different sizes!
Also, you can't spot tone... You can't follow ONE SECRET TIP!!!! ZOMG!!! and lose just tummy fat... You have to do all over work and junk. Logic says it. Pretty sure berries or tablets or patches or enemas or whatever it is they fob off on the desperate and gullible don't work, especially not for spot toning and long term weight management. Only healthy eating and exercise will do that. Except spot toning... See the sentence on spot toning for clarity.
Don't get me started on the tablets... Very bad side effects if you don't do exactly what they say... *Shudder* It's vile.
As a general rule of thumb if they don't show faces, you can be certain it's not the same people. Before Lady and After Lady are two different ladies! ZOMG! Also, is the one tip to give birth!? Because I'm pretty sure Before Lady is pregnant. Just my opinion I know but I think its probably a safe bet. Also, I think After Lady is a page three model. Once again, just my opinion as without faces it's a tough one to call. Even their BOOBS are different sizes!
Also, you can't spot tone... You can't follow ONE SECRET TIP!!!! ZOMG!!! and lose just tummy fat... You have to do all over work and junk. Logic says it. Pretty sure berries or tablets or patches or enemas or whatever it is they fob off on the desperate and gullible don't work, especially not for spot toning and long term weight management. Only healthy eating and exercise will do that. Except spot toning... See the sentence on spot toning for clarity.
Don't get me started on the tablets... Very bad side effects if you don't do exactly what they say... *Shudder* It's vile.
Monday 7 June 2010
Darth Hammer...
OK, this video has over a million views so I have no doubt in my mind that anyone reading this has probably seen it. That doesn't stop it being awesome, and wont stop me posting it.
For someone who's never sat through an entire Star Wars film I certainly am a big Star Wars geek... Love it!
For someone who's never sat through an entire Star Wars film I certainly am a big Star Wars geek... Love it!
More Bones.
OK, so this blog is becoming a bit Bones centric... BUT, I cant help but love all the pop culture references and such that they throw in. Like this one.
Accompanied by the words “It's creepy... It's like... Freddy creepy.” from Dr. Sweets. Oh yes. Oh hell yes. I loves it! Now, if you don't get this at all, please beat your head against your computer screen repeatedly. If that doesn't kill you, then watch Nightmare on Elm Street, who's main character is Freddy Krueger, played by Robert Englund. The same guy who played the guy in that photo on Bones. Yes. I'm a loser, but if you had to read the explanation, then you are MORE of a loser and should be ashamed of yourself.
Accompanied by the words “It's creepy... It's like... Freddy creepy.” from Dr. Sweets. Oh yes. Oh hell yes. I loves it! Now, if you don't get this at all, please beat your head against your computer screen repeatedly. If that doesn't kill you, then watch Nightmare on Elm Street, who's main character is Freddy Krueger, played by Robert Englund. The same guy who played the guy in that photo on Bones. Yes. I'm a loser, but if you had to read the explanation, then you are MORE of a loser and should be ashamed of yourself.
Sunday 6 June 2010
Randomness of Stuff.
So I'm going into "hibernation", backing off from everything so I can pick myself apart, get healthy, quit smoking, try and find a way to cope with my depression. You know. The usual.
I'll try and update my progress on here once a week. Maybe throw up a video or picture or something every so often.
Fun times.
Hmmm.... I was watching Bones (mores the shock)... And they had an episode at the end of Season 4 when Booth hallucinated Stewie from Family Guy for pretty much the whole episode. I thought it was hysterical. Then a few episodes into Season 5 I saw something that made me skip back and pause it to make sure I wasn't seeing things.
Homer Simpsons skull X-ray behind Mr. Nigel-Murray. Oh yes. Love it. Also, in Season 5 episode 13 there is yet more Simpsons nods... The dentist had an appointment with a Dr Hibbert. Hehe.
12 things to do during my hibernation:
In no particular order.
1) Lose a stone.
2) Get a job.
3) Gain some upper body strength.
4) Do my direct access.
5) Make a dent in my debt.
6) Start meditating again.
7) Buy a bike.
8) Bake like I have never baked before.
9) Perfect my fondant sculpting/ cake decorating.
10) Make a dent in my novel. 2 hours writing per day. No less.
11) Learn guitar.
12) MOAR TATTOOS.
Totally gunna miss talking to Best Guy Friend. Hope he doesn't miss me too much.
Peace!
I'll try and update my progress on here once a week. Maybe throw up a video or picture or something every so often.
Fun times.
Hmmm.... I was watching Bones (mores the shock)... And they had an episode at the end of Season 4 when Booth hallucinated Stewie from Family Guy for pretty much the whole episode. I thought it was hysterical. Then a few episodes into Season 5 I saw something that made me skip back and pause it to make sure I wasn't seeing things.
Homer Simpsons skull X-ray behind Mr. Nigel-Murray. Oh yes. Love it. Also, in Season 5 episode 13 there is yet more Simpsons nods... The dentist had an appointment with a Dr Hibbert. Hehe.
12 things to do during my hibernation:
In no particular order.
1) Lose a stone.
2) Get a job.
3) Gain some upper body strength.
4) Do my direct access.
5) Make a dent in my debt.
6) Start meditating again.
7) Buy a bike.
8) Bake like I have never baked before.
9) Perfect my fondant sculpting/ cake decorating.
10) Make a dent in my novel. 2 hours writing per day. No less.
11) Learn guitar.
12) MOAR TATTOOS.
Totally gunna miss talking to Best Guy Friend. Hope he doesn't miss me too much.
Peace!
Thursday 3 June 2010
HELLO Again!
So I've been at my friends house for the weekend and it's taken me a while to get back into the swing of having working internets and a blog to update. Silly me.
I totally want a puppy. I want a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel... A Blenheim one... Like this cutie!
Adorable right? If I got a girl one I'd call her Heda and for a boy one I'd call him Finley. They both mean fair warrior. Which sounds silly cos it's such a little doggy... But still.
That is all!
I totally want a puppy. I want a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel... A Blenheim one... Like this cutie!
Adorable right? If I got a girl one I'd call her Heda and for a boy one I'd call him Finley. They both mean fair warrior. Which sounds silly cos it's such a little doggy... But still.
That is all!
Friday 28 May 2010
Ironbaby.
So I love Great White Snark... They have some freaking brilliant stuff on there. Like this video. Which is both amazingly awesome and adorable. Hmm... Too many A's.
Very clever I'm sure you'll agree. My friends son loves it and wants a suit of his own... Then again, he loves most things Ironman. Who can blame him? Ironman is awesome!
Very clever I'm sure you'll agree. My friends son loves it and wants a suit of his own... Then again, he loves most things Ironman. Who can blame him? Ironman is awesome!
Thursday 27 May 2010
Ugh, People Are Horrid!
"A charity air ambulance was grounded after youths attacked it as it attended an emergency call to an injured baby."
Yeah, you read that right. A group of teens attacked an air ambulance. While it was attending to a baby. Can anyone say ASBO youth? Jesus. It's sickening, really. Why would anyone want to screw with an AMBULANCE!?!
The story is Here.
Yeah, you read that right. A group of teens attacked an air ambulance. While it was attending to a baby. Can anyone say ASBO youth? Jesus. It's sickening, really. Why would anyone want to screw with an AMBULANCE!?!
The story is Here.
Oh Randomness, How I Lothe You.
News stories on Yahoo front page today are all horrid. Except one, which is mindless and boring. Famine, explosions, mid air drama. Then Cheryl Cole filing for divorce. Which in my opinion doesn't even constitute news. Who cares what she does? Unless it's something I'd care about if anyone did it, I don't want to know.
Anyway.
Sometimes I find it very difficult talking to people about emotional things. It comes off, it would seem, that an open complaint is something pointed at a singular person, because at that time one person is in the fore of it all. If that makes sense. My frustration at a situation that has been reoccurring for years comes off as some kind of insane begging. Which it isn't. I don't like begging and I don't like to beg. BUT. Right. Right... I can rant now? Fuck it, I will a bit. I find it very difficult to meet people. Prospective partner type people. I'm shy and terrified and stutter and stumble. I also don't like going into things blind. It doesn't mean I don't fancy people when I first meet them. I do. Unfortunately I always end up in the friend zone. You see when me and my girl friends go out "on the pull" I don't have much luck, and not for lack of trying. Guys (and girls) hit on my friends, and befriend me. So I always end up in the situation of fancying people who go on about how amazing I am and how lucky I'll make someone but that someone is never them. Because I'm such a good friend, and they don't want to ruin the friendship. Then I get to hear about how much they're struggling to find someone. They reel off things they want, things I do. But it's not enough. We'd never work. We're amazing as friends, but as a couple it would fail. Of course it's never tried. So no-one really knows. Because I'm never right. Wrong look. Wrong personality. Wrong size. Wrong sense of humour. Wrong way of dressing. Wrong something, anything. It never seems to register that all of the things I'm wrong with aren't working for them in their search any way. No risk is ever taken to see if maybe, just maybe, taking a chance on something different from what they're used to would have a reward. Benefit. Because people are too scared to take a chance on change. I understand that. Doesn't stop it hurting. Doesn't stop it being a kick in the teeth every time. How many times now? Six or seven... Maybe more. Probably more. Ugh. OK. I'm done. /rant.
Here is a picture of my cat in a hat, to take the edge off of the angry girl rant.
Cute huh?
Right... I want more than one fancy dress outfit. I have some LAMEO "sexy" stewardess getup. Ugh. I quite tire of "sexy" fancy dress. Have you SEEN some of them? The sexualisation of pretty much everything, including animals, is annoying. Granted, I'd probably feel rather different if I could wear said sexy outfits without looking like a moose. But whatevs. I pretty much hate the over sexualisation of everything. Sex is everywhere. And half of these outfits are ridiculous. It's all about titillating menfolk. Playing into their, weird, desires. Half of them aren't sexy, their semi nude. It's wrong. "Sexy" police woman, "Sexy" nurse, "Sexy" bumblebee, "Sexy" pirate, "Sexy" Alice in Wonderland. Read that last one again. Alice in wonderland. A young girl. A childs book/ film. Made "Sexy". Yeah. Wrong. Anyway. I want some new outfits. I want a Harley Quinn one, and a pirate one, and something steam punk, and a Poison Ivy one... Well... Lots. But most fancy dress costumes aren't in my size. Which is lame.
I'm done, for now, I think....
Anyway.
Sometimes I find it very difficult talking to people about emotional things. It comes off, it would seem, that an open complaint is something pointed at a singular person, because at that time one person is in the fore of it all. If that makes sense. My frustration at a situation that has been reoccurring for years comes off as some kind of insane begging. Which it isn't. I don't like begging and I don't like to beg. BUT. Right. Right... I can rant now? Fuck it, I will a bit. I find it very difficult to meet people. Prospective partner type people. I'm shy and terrified and stutter and stumble. I also don't like going into things blind. It doesn't mean I don't fancy people when I first meet them. I do. Unfortunately I always end up in the friend zone. You see when me and my girl friends go out "on the pull" I don't have much luck, and not for lack of trying. Guys (and girls) hit on my friends, and befriend me. So I always end up in the situation of fancying people who go on about how amazing I am and how lucky I'll make someone but that someone is never them. Because I'm such a good friend, and they don't want to ruin the friendship. Then I get to hear about how much they're struggling to find someone. They reel off things they want, things I do. But it's not enough. We'd never work. We're amazing as friends, but as a couple it would fail. Of course it's never tried. So no-one really knows. Because I'm never right. Wrong look. Wrong personality. Wrong size. Wrong sense of humour. Wrong way of dressing. Wrong something, anything. It never seems to register that all of the things I'm wrong with aren't working for them in their search any way. No risk is ever taken to see if maybe, just maybe, taking a chance on something different from what they're used to would have a reward. Benefit. Because people are too scared to take a chance on change. I understand that. Doesn't stop it hurting. Doesn't stop it being a kick in the teeth every time. How many times now? Six or seven... Maybe more. Probably more. Ugh. OK. I'm done. /rant.
Here is a picture of my cat in a hat, to take the edge off of the angry girl rant.
Cute huh?
Right... I want more than one fancy dress outfit. I have some LAMEO "sexy" stewardess getup. Ugh. I quite tire of "sexy" fancy dress. Have you SEEN some of them? The sexualisation of pretty much everything, including animals, is annoying. Granted, I'd probably feel rather different if I could wear said sexy outfits without looking like a moose. But whatevs. I pretty much hate the over sexualisation of everything. Sex is everywhere. And half of these outfits are ridiculous. It's all about titillating menfolk. Playing into their, weird, desires. Half of them aren't sexy, their semi nude. It's wrong. "Sexy" police woman, "Sexy" nurse, "Sexy" bumblebee, "Sexy" pirate, "Sexy" Alice in Wonderland. Read that last one again. Alice in wonderland. A young girl. A childs book/ film. Made "Sexy". Yeah. Wrong. Anyway. I want some new outfits. I want a Harley Quinn one, and a pirate one, and something steam punk, and a Poison Ivy one... Well... Lots. But most fancy dress costumes aren't in my size. Which is lame.
I'm done, for now, I think....
Wednesday 26 May 2010
Note.
I just worked out how to filter Flickr pictures out of my Yahoo search. I know that took me a while. I'm retarded. But it's sooooooooo much better now. I got so annoyed having 90% of image searched coming up as Flickr images... I hate using Flickr images.
That is all.
Also, sometimes people say things without thinking that are hurtful and insulting.
That is all.
Also, sometimes people say things without thinking that are hurtful and insulting.
Emily Deschanel, AKA Bones.
So... I'm mildly obsessed with Bones, the TV show, you know the one. I love it. Granted, some of the terms they use go right over my head, but I'm almost always learning something.
Now. I'm working my way through the first four series again, currently up to Episode 13 in the first series. Despite mum and I watching it weekly when it started it seems like I missed a lot of them. So it's brilliant catching up with all the bits I missed.
I think, personally, that Dr Temperance Brennan is a better role model than most of the protagonists in TV, books, and movies, despite her distinct lack of social skills, especially in the early seasons. She's smart, she's capable, she can stand up for herself. She doesn't take peoples crap and she cares, even if she cant put it into words all the time.
Also, I didn't realise who the actress who plays Brennan is. Emily Deschanel, the older sister of one of my friends favourite people, Zooey Deschanel. I don't like Zooey... I find her annoying and unbelievable. I've not heard her sing. Apparently she does that too. Of the sisters I much, much prefer Emily. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful.
The Deschanel sisters.
Emily Deschanel.
I adore the relationship between Brennan and Booth... There is a constant undercurrent of sexual tension, that is joined by at first frustration and not long after compassion, concern and a deep root of feeling. They care about each other, even if they wind each other the hell up. It's brilliantly written, and well acted. You believe in them and their relationship, you want them to get together from the off set and the more you learn about them the more you love them. Despite their, occasionally annoying, personality traits they are believable and loveable.
Brennan and Booth
Now. I'm working my way through the first four series again, currently up to Episode 13 in the first series. Despite mum and I watching it weekly when it started it seems like I missed a lot of them. So it's brilliant catching up with all the bits I missed.
I think, personally, that Dr Temperance Brennan is a better role model than most of the protagonists in TV, books, and movies, despite her distinct lack of social skills, especially in the early seasons. She's smart, she's capable, she can stand up for herself. She doesn't take peoples crap and she cares, even if she cant put it into words all the time.
Also, I didn't realise who the actress who plays Brennan is. Emily Deschanel, the older sister of one of my friends favourite people, Zooey Deschanel. I don't like Zooey... I find her annoying and unbelievable. I've not heard her sing. Apparently she does that too. Of the sisters I much, much prefer Emily. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful.
The Deschanel sisters.
Emily Deschanel.
I adore the relationship between Brennan and Booth... There is a constant undercurrent of sexual tension, that is joined by at first frustration and not long after compassion, concern and a deep root of feeling. They care about each other, even if they wind each other the hell up. It's brilliantly written, and well acted. You believe in them and their relationship, you want them to get together from the off set and the more you learn about them the more you love them. Despite their, occasionally annoying, personality traits they are believable and loveable.
Brennan and Booth
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